Hallelujah – we do NOT belong together

There comes a point when sitting still with discomfort suddenly doesn’t feel as if it is enough anymore. From deep within comes the an urge break through something and shake things up a bit…

There comes a point when sitting still with discomfort suddenly doesn’t feel as if it is enough anymore. From deep within comes the an urge break through something and shake things up a bit.

This is where I have arrived now. The ball is put into motion and can’t be stopped any longer. Without thinking it takes me along on its own journey. before I used to schedule all my have tos, but not anymore. Somehow they are sneaking themselves in higher and higher up – as if it has become a game to bust them all together.

This week I could give myself a high five for, after ten years of official absence, being a paid professional writer again. One should never underestimate the feeling of a work well done. It makes you want more no matter if it is more clients, know new people, mastery of some sort or simply just to really genuinely connect.

I surprise myself by even go back and dig for rejections, just to ensure I picked up on all small points to improve, as well as taking in what was said enough to notice the majority is actually positive. Very positive even.

And neither even feels bad.

It just helps me to see clearly were to go deeper and niche in.

From a long life of people please and trying to be there for everything and everybody it is a breath of fresh air to be able to distinctively say I am this and you are that. We can like each other – but from a far. We DO NOT belong together, so let’s not even try. Hallelujah.

I don’t know how it happened, but it just shifted. I can notice the discomfort – and move on to my own path.

Despite the discomfort I am moving forward.

Finding my way home. 302 signals to go.

Image courtesy to www.dreamstime.com/free-photos

From deep blame to blessing

All self-help-talk in the world, life does happen – all by itself – sometimes.

Bad things.Seemingly bad things.Things that shape us.

It causes pain, turmoil and an instant feeling of unfairness…

All self-help-talk in the world, life does happen – all by itself – sometimes.

Bad things.Seemingly bad things.Things that shape us.

It causes pain, turmoil and an instant feeling of unfairness.

Why me? Why not her? Why does it have to be me all the time?

Well, obviously me is the only person who I know to the extent I could even say that. Or feel that.

And then there is that story. The story about what happened. How we portray it, how we paint it, how we summarize it, how we identify with it – and how we keep telling it again and again, so even if it wasn’t true to begin with – by now it is, because by now it is the only version we memorized, so we know it by heart.

We justify this story with the r-e-a-l facts. Those that can’t be questioned. We are not that type of person are we – we don’t lie, tweak or leave out anything – these are facts!

So we tell ourselves and everybody else anyway.

Now this story, however, has become like a chain we tied ourselves to and we don’t seem to be able to move on or release ourselves from it.

Painfully I am discovering and looking closer at these family stories.

My mother used to complain no one was around really during her growing up. Sure she got an expensive education, but no one never really taught her anything, or at least she considered it, that she didn’t knew anything really properly, having no professional diploma of any kind.

I think no one never taught her how to handle emotions and life – hence numbing it all off with alcohol and pills seemed quite logical.

Obviously I can list hundreds of “facts”, that will justify my pity song of growing up with one single parent who was addicted – however – would her “view”of life really supported me if I took it on? Her way of living catapulted me to over-drive, but it also gave me an incredible creative freedom (no one ever bothered me…) and an undisturbed reliance and trust in myself. Yes, again and again I surround myself with people who wish to take me down – but – deep down that is still my core believe – I can do anything. If she hadn’t been in her comas that wouldn’t have been the case.

It is a blessing.

I was free – and now – I can choose.

Choose to empower and not victimize.

Going home. 303 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Maciej Secowski at www.dreamstime.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

[FILM REVIEW 2016/2]Bad Moms

Girls-turned-moms comedy with Mila Kunis heading up the lead supported by Katrin Hahn, Kristen Bell and Christina Applegate. Directed by Jon Lucas and Scott More….

Image result for free pictures bad momsBad Moms is a girls-turned-moms comedy with Mila Kunis heading up the lead supported by Katrin Hahn, Kristen Bell and Christina Applegate. Directed by Jon Lucas and Scott More.

Watched it with and without my daughter. She loved all the crazy moments and couldn’t wait for the next scene. We give that point to the director to, Hollywood despite, managed to make it feel like this could have been any mother and any girl or boy.

The ensemble is keeping a good tempo and timing keeping the comedy at peek all through the film. Sometimes the incidents take some really deep dives that are too easily ignored and had rather been left out – but then I am not American.

To through in the towel and not keep up with all expectations is probably a hidden dream for many women. Being a mom has become equal to put up some sign that it is ok to judge you – this stands also for the none Americans 😉 Kunis does a splendid job keeping her character real in a life that seems more and more absurd.

Appelgate does her blond bitch good as usual, but it would be interesting if somebody could trust her with a role that uses her whole register.Bell and Hahn are hilarious and hats off for keeping it all through.

This is a movie where they worked so hard on keeping the punchlines and ideas up they put 2 into 1, which has left it with a few too many loose ends and confusing complications – however since they last so short time before you realize it everybody moved on to the next thing.

So:

Enjoyable? Yep – we had some really good laughs to this one.

Takeaways? Yes, surprisingly many for being a light weight movie. You can read about my favorite scene here.

Artistic input? Smooth and nothing outstanding.

Recommendable? If you want a good laugh at yourself, with your girl-friends or your kids – this one is a sure period of laughter.

Worth having at home? Best enjoyed in good company or at the cinema if possible.

Rating? An ambitious 3.5 due to an overambitious script but thumbs up for all the girls!

 

When my soul is black and blue

You throw your issues at me.

Like a gazillion sharp arrows they hit me.

Nails me to your cause…

You throw your issues at me.

Like a gazillion sharp arrows they hit me.

Nails me to your cause.

Stuck you keep me there; it is all your issues, your life, everyone ever done something bad towards you, ignored you or neglected you.

You curse, you swear, you pant and are at me again.

I can barely breath. Your hatred hits me in the stomach and I am out of breathe.

Getting up I try to not disturb you. I draw in the sand.

This is the line, I point at the drawing, that separates you from me.

You do not walkover that line – ever – again.

Walk away it sings in my head as I walk away.

What is it you want I ask myself. If you can’t get what you want, then what is it?

My life? My sanity? What is it that you want from me that you think will heal whatever is broken in you?

I turn and look at the line on a distance. Is it yours or mine?

Did I let myself be pulled over into a territory that was not mine?

I tremble.

I stumble.

I fall.

For f*** sake just leave me alone…I mumble to myself.

I try to get up, but it is hard.

Every arrow has left me a bruise. Black and blue I am.

I don’t cry, but I have no strength anymore.

I look, I prepare, I aim.

I hit you just beside your heart. You look surprised. Didn’t thought I had it in me did you?

We both know I will let you live, but we both also know – this is real.

The pretense is over.

My soul is soar.

My soul is black and blue.

I am going home.

304 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Dariusz Sas at www.dreamstime.com

 

Taking the next step

Someone said manage your money or it will manage you.

I would say …

I hesitate. I drag it out. I stare. I forget to breathe. I am genuinely over-whelmed.

I try to see the priority order, I make small lists trying to see some logical order, so I can stick to that. Trying to hold my own hand.

This is a mountain of resistance – and I have to get through it – and it will feel like hell and when I am through I will look back and wonder what the fuzz was about.

I know this. Yet it is so emotionally pressuring doing it.

And it is all in my head and not understandable for outsiders… taking the next step. Break the next layers of protection I built around myself to feel safe. Stand on my own.Do my own homework and know I done it now. That this time I believe it and I know it.

I drown a little to be able to stay a float a little. Deeper and higher for every time.

Asking for help is not easy either. Pride weighs heavy on me – both my independence as well as family and personal.

Someone said manage your money or it will manage you.

I would say manage yourself or someone else will manage you. And for some reason that sits deep in me – but I have to stay active, be alive and be decisive. Choose how I want to be supported rather than freaked out having to need something in a way I don’t like.

But I don’t run. I sit still. Even when feeling like throwing up and getting out.

So I have to trust my faith, my humbleness and whatever guidance I may be given, that it will lead me right even if it doesn’t make sense to me or I can’t see it for the time of being.

I am on my way.

305 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Supporting myself

Every day I manage to add something new to my schedule. I don’t know what I was doing before, but more and more is being done and I even have time over…

Every day I manage to add something new to my schedule. I don’t know what I was doing before, but more and more is being done and I even have time over.

Yes, there are some things I still avoid, but I know I will get also there eventually and it is okay it is not today.

I made myself a little schedule and we do our best to keep it. Taking in to consideration;

  • I don’t concentrate well after 2 hours without a  break – preferably not sitting down.
  • I am at my best with 8 hours sleep.
  • I have a note pad to jot down ideas and thoughts for later when I am actually considering ideas and are not working.
  • I have a little list with an order of priority – in case I loose myself into something I shouldn’t.
  • I have scheduled time for time with my animals and kids.

And I have mapped out the next 3 steps work-wise and a vision where I am heading.

Because I suffered from being such a fixer i have to watch myself not to cut corners or do things on a whim. Nothing.

This is resetting life taking every step, not jumping a single one.

Ironically I learned to enjoy it. Some steps are painful and I have to really ground myself not to skip over them. Just stay in it and ask myself questions and surrender.

Surrender to the whole I-simply-got-it-wrong.

Step by step I will get things on the right track and if it takes time it doesn’t matter. I am doing it my own way now.

306 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Hywards at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

Do your own homework

You know what – I don’t want you to go out in the world and think that you are entitled. Do you know what entitled means? It means…

This week I focused on my new work. Completely dived into it and it starts to make sense.

What in the beginning felt like a possible failure or impossible obstacles are now things I just have to figure out and work around – and I do.

Then someone came by and knocked the door just to tell me they finally resolved my internet. Woohoo! I can’t really express the feeling when we have been without internet for so long… It is almost like you forget how smooth it is and how extremely spoiled we are are having it in the first place.

So I use the opportunity to look at a feelgood movie with my kids – Bad Moms with Mila Kunis and Christina Applegate.

I am not sure this movie is the definition of bad moms, but it is very relate-able for anyone who has or have had kids – the-please-all-other-parents-syndrome at school – attend every committee, PTA, bake sale you name i t. In other words the mom-trap that sends you straight to parent-hell with bad self confidence, more insecurities and I-am-never-enough nightmares.

A lot of standard Hollywood bla bla comedy and then suddenly this super scene where the kids in  the kitchen one morning waiting for breakfast and wonder where she is, followed by the son freaking out that no one done his science homework and she turns to him and says;

You know what – I don’t want you to go out in the world and think that you are entitled.  Do you know what entitled means? It means that you will expect other people to do things for you, but they don’t; me to do your homework, your teacher to give you high grades, your boss to give you a pay raise for no reason, your wife to do everything for you, your kids to be a lot of things that you have chosen – in other words a HORRIBLE person! And then you are going to get divorced, have a bad relationship with your kids etc etc. NOBODY has to do anything for you – and the sooner you start working on actually knowing and doing things for yourself the better life will be and you will not have all those problems – making sense? So you do your own homework from now on – and off she walks.

As part of a co-dependency scenario entitlement pops up more often than not in both directions. One who thinks that with what ever addiction or problem – since we now agreed it is a problem – they now think they are entitled to help to solved or help to “handle”it. Then again one always being agreeable, taking out all fires and smoothing and fixing at some point concludes , that being this nice, polite, helpful and so on I now have a right to get something in return – whatever I want and preferably right now… and so it goes on.

So I know this dance and I wish someone had told me exactly the same at that age, but more in the lines of; Entitlement means that you are going to think that your mum, because she has said and done stupid things when she has been drunk, owes you something. Anything really. And from time to time she is going to agree, because of guilt, and at other times – she won’t or can’t. And you know what will happen then? You will prove to yourself you are right – you are going to tell the world to look how bad she is to you – when you in all reality was wrong from the very beginning! She and the rest of the world owes you NOTHING, so get off that little butt of yours and get going! No one will do your life for you!

But no one gave me that speech… so I also have to do it now instead, but I am very proud of my small steps forward and mini successes!

307 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Stuart Miles at www.freedigitalphotos.net