Supporting myself

Every day I manage to add something new to my schedule. I don’t know what I was doing before, but more and more is being done and I even have time over…

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Every day I manage to add something new to my schedule. I don’t know what I was doing before, but more and more is being done and I even have time over.

Yes, there are some things I still avoid, but I know I will get also there eventually and it is okay it is not today.

I made myself a little schedule and we do our best to keep it. Taking in to consideration;

  • I don’t concentrate well after 2 hours without a  break – preferably not sitting down.
  • I am at my best with 8 hours sleep.
  • I have a note pad to jot down ideas and thoughts for later when I am actually considering ideas and are not working.
  • I have a little list with an order of priority – in case I loose myself into something I shouldn’t.
  • I have scheduled time for time with my animals and kids.

And I have mapped out the next 3 steps work-wise and a vision where I am heading.

Because I suffered from being such a fixer i have to watch myself not to cut corners or do things on a whim. Nothing.

This is resetting life taking every step, not jumping a single one.

Ironically I learned to enjoy it. Some steps are painful and I have to really ground myself not to skip over them. Just stay in it and ask myself questions and surrender.

Surrender to the whole I-simply-got-it-wrong.

Step by step I will get things on the right track and if it takes time it doesn’t matter. I am doing it my own way now.

306 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Hywards at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

The birdsong in my head

This morning I woke to a vague distant screaming.

Living on the countryside with animals including a minor gang of puppies-going-on-hooligans this can mean nothing but bad news aka someone is stuck, gotten lost somewhere or somehow hurt themselves…

It is a second to none wake-up and your whole body is on 100% alert!

What is going on? What is happening? Who is in pain? Where?

After another second of orientating myself I could conclude this was outdoors and not indoors.

It was on the back of the house and not the front where the puppies normally is.

Most dogs where indoors – read around my bed – so this was probably not a dog, or at least not any of mine.

Could be a rat maybe? Or kitten?

As I started to go over this list of possibilities in my head I tried to listen again and listen more carefully this time.

It didn’t sound bad now. Matter of fact it sound quite happy. Happy? Yes, like a little melody type. No panic noise.

Still lying down it occurs  to me that this is birdsong.

Yes, exactly – birdsong.

I laugh at myself (thank God I can still do that) – how fear driven am I when I am ready to jump out of bed in a nano second prepared for worse case scenario? Convinced someone is dying or is already dead?

There is this gentle little bird sitting in the fruit tree opposite my window. Singing his little song while the sun is just about over the mountains yet.

Just doing his thing.

And this is my thing?

Breathing deeply I try to tell myself that at least I am aware now. I can’t always stop it from happening, but when it does I am stopping myself and reflecting instead.

The world is safe. It supports me even?

I imagine a chair supporting me sitting up.

I imagine food.

I imagine a bird singing to wake me up to a new day.

All is well. 314 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Panuruangjan at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

Rootless

For the first time in my life I no longer have to run away to be able to cope – I can run towards something instead. It is a shift…

For a few days I couldn’t ground myself to write. Rather than punishing myself I try to reflect;

If I am careless with my routines – especially those grounding me and caring for myself – then I am easier swept away by other’s agendas and influence.

In a situation where you restart beyond zero – the vulnerability is genuinely on the outside. The pain from what seems irrelevant small issues goes right through and there is no protection. And feelings are energy. And afterwards it happens I feel like a wet spot on the ground, desperately trying to rise rather than vanishing down, through the earth, into another world down under.

As a child my references for security was places and not people. My mother had a house, which she mismanaged so much I had to live with my grandmother. We kept the house as a summer and weekend house. It was my whole world. Maybe because it was where I could flee from violence and harsh words in to the world of the nature and the animals. I know those forests like my own pocket.

Eventually my mother let someone else sell it. Someone bought it for a bargain price and burned it down…Every time I do a vision board or something similar there is always a house there. A house where people can come and go, but I am always at home there. With my children and my animals.

For the first time in my life I no longer have to run away to be able to cope – I can run towards something instead. It is a shift that I can literally feel through my whole system – not fully established yet, but on its way – I am rootless-ly flying through my own universe like a pulled up plant looking for a place to settle.

Without my parents I suddenly look for my own culture again. The language, the songs, the views and the smells. Is there a home in me I can not deny no matter how far I travelled? Re-connecting.

It is uncomfortable, but I can’t hurry it to be over.

It is uncomfortable, but I can’t go back.

It is uncomfortable, but I can’t stop it.

I am in the air – on my way home…

321 signals to go.

Suitcase economy

Life off the social security grid has its ups and its down.

Every time I made any major change in my life it one way or the other has meant a change in my financial situation one way or the other…

Life off the social security grid has its ups and its down.

Every time I made any major change in my life it one way or the other has meant a change in my financial situation one way or the other. Sometimes in plain cash and other times in security or risks.

The fact that I am not alone and so to speak travel with children makes it all less romantic and a big reality checker.

So in my new chapter of my life – without the safety net of any type of parental or family security to return home to if things get rough – the first thing to reinvent is my economy.

How badly do I want certain responsibilities? How bad to I want or need certain things? How bad do I want security? How bad do I want my children to have, do or experience particular things?

So here we go – my bad wish list:

  • I want to feel at peace with people around me
  • I want it to be stress free (also from a health perspective)
  • I want to feel supported and have some sort of safety.
  • I want to be able to leave a situation that is not agreeing with me if need be.
  • I want to feed my soul not killing it.
  • I want my children to be able to go to whatever school they want and to learn from whatever teacher they seek.
  • I want for all of us to afford books, education and learning in whatever forms.
  • I want a strong antenna and a good phone and internet.
  • I want to help where I can without thinking about it twice.
  • I want to have, maintain and keep my animals.
  • I want to eat and exercise whatever I set my mind to even if it means I have to order it or go somewhere.
  • I want to go through life being creative and joyful in all my doings.
  • I want to sleep well, safe and at peace every day.
  • I want it to be something there in regards of financial safety for my children and animals when I would leave this earth.
  • I want my animals to be mobile and have access to transport.

This is what my soul urges for – badly – right now. So let’s explore and get to it.

330 signals to go.

Image courtesy to John Kasawa of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Planting intentions like tomatos

If someone asks me what I do for a living or what I am good at – gardening would not be …

If someone asks me what I do for a living or what I am good at – gardening would not be one of the things I would be telling about.

In my lack of patience, waiting for my work actions to pay off, I desperately decided to plant some tomatos. In my lack of knowledge I figured in nature they would just rut, fall to the ground, and somehow dig themselves down and start to grow when the rain came…

So I emptied a tomato just as it was, had some earth over it on a plate and some water – and be hold less than a week later I now have a dussin small tomato plants!

About the same day I was woken up at 6am by an overseas potential client I worked to get several weeks if not months before, just to decide I would put it on hold until October. She just “happen to think about me” in the middle of the night…

Another contract I worked on almost – 4 years(!) – suddenly popped up a few hours after that.

And now I have even received emails regarding help with a new start up NGO for animals I am planning – people I even forgotten I tried to connect or contacted – that was how long time ago the contact was initiated.

Just like my tomato adventure.

Trust universe I assume some would say.

Or Let go and let God.

Hmm…can’t help but concluding that there must be some truth there.

How much I haven’t tried to pull off by myself…

Tiny light in the tunnel guiding me home.

336 signal to go.

Image courtesy of Suat Eman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

How do you know that you are on the right path?

So how do you know that you are on the right path, when everything and everybody (!) is telling you the opposite?

Deep breath.

Getting out of my head space and into the body.

Being grounded right here , in the life, right now.

So I am giving myself permission to give and for now I don’t have any better tool than this.

Deep breath.

So how do you know that you are on the right path, when everything and everybody (!) is telling you the opposite?

  • My heart is at peace (which drives some even more insane..)
  • I fall asleep easily and I have vivid dreams (don’t always know what they mean, but I can recall parts…).
  • Children and animals understand me instantly (no need for confusing explanations and arguments).
  • Knowledge and understanding comes with ease (even when I don’t know why or from where).
  • There is a constant dialogue with all types of higher forms and the signs are seen and considered (no missed opportunities, delayed conversations and wondering what to do next).
  • Giving or sharing (even to a stranger)comes without thinking.

This list can go on and be even deeper.

What I thought was “wrong with me” is actually my genuinely real talent and gift. And I can use it and act from it in many many forms.

To come away from linard conclusions, preempted knowledge, win whatever strategies – this is more about expending in the (3 dimensional) being.

A misused purpose that may have actually harmed rather than lifted, taken out of its context and denying its source and roots.

Rewired brain waves and revived heart energy.

For today let’s just finish there. Letting it sink in and know it is more to come.

347 signal to go.

Image courtesy of ntwowe at FreeDigitalPhotos.net