40 years in the desert

I can’t help of wondering if Moses never had any doubts?..

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I think that was what Moses did? Wandering around I assume until he found his promised land.

I can’t help of wondering if he never had any doubts? No one was ever upset with him? Wondering what he was doing? How did he handle that?

And the women what were they doing? Or thinking?

The persistence and the size of faith, that all must have required… so what are my comparably small little problems compared to all that?

Can I find the same strength as his to lead myself out of the suffering? This self-made prison our generation seem to have created around us.

Can I re-fine that set point in myself when I would wake up and get out of bed just for the fun of the day ahead of me? Re-connect with that joy and creativity?

Finding inner sparkle without sugar, caffeine, tobacco or whatever?

This is for me my real question – to trust in myself – in my faith in myself.

Like a small small light far away I can at least see it. No bonfire. But something small that is bright and shines. I know now my path is leading that way. That I eventually will emerge in it.

I can start healing by accepting myself. I don’t need to know anymore. I don’t need to control or protect or differentiate. Or maybe a little bit. The mother in me still wants to protect.

Maybe acceptance is protection? Having somebody’s back when they go out on the arena of life? Shielding anyone would be hindering them even going out there in the first place wouldn’t it?

OK, white flag to myself – both protection and tolerance includes some type separation between good and bad and puts myself in the middle being the ruler…undo.

Long day, but still here – 319 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Stoonn at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

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The things we do NOT think about

If someone outspokenly told me they were going to teach me a fear based thinking pattern and that I would defend it against myself…

Together with whales and dolphins we are the spices with the most developed front-lobes aka we can think. Then how does it come that we more often than not wake up to situations where we clearly haven’t?

If someone outspokenly told me they were going to teach me a fear based thinking pattern and that I would defend it against myself with the help of pride, expectations and possible humiliation I would probably have said no thank you.

But no one asked me. And in hindsight I doubt anyone asked them. It was just the way it was done.

We scare small children into an emotional dependency and then we tell them about right and wrong. Good or bad. Love and hate. Belonging and separation. Inclusion and exclusion.

Not everybody does this. It is a very dualistic and a Christian/Jewish way to define the world.

As much as I wish it was not the case I have to admit this occurred to me just lately. I simply never bothered to think about it.

So I thought most of the world was unsafe. Down to the very relationship with myself.

Trust didn’t exist. Anywhere.

To actively retrain is not always easy, but I persist. So I think.

Varied results yes, but I keep at it.

Universal laws, metaphysics, spirituality, religion, self-help, traditions, habits. You name it.

Read. Read. Read. Think. Think. Think. Read again.

Maybe this is the liberty of not having any parents or older relatives alive? Nobody there to put you back in place again…

341 signals to go.

Image courtesy of khunaspix at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Resistance

It talks they say.

I try to listen.

Sometimes I wish to just scream “ I’m just tired ok!”…

It talks they say.

I try to listen.

Sometimes I wish to just scream “ I’m just tired ok!”.

I need to sort out business, my life, prepare rehearsals, finish a book script, do fund raising for one of my projects, build a new network in a new industry, study and do tons of research, sort my mother’s affairs, manage animals and kids, be the taxi driver, take care of myself – did I say that already? – no? – there you go…

I used to think that if it was something I resisted and I did it anyway – despite feeling u-n-c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e – that would be good. And that things I resisted where I plainly avoided them would make me b-a-d.

I am not so sure anymore.

Doing something that you really resist, as in breaking new grounds or compounding something, can be next to addictive. Keeping you on a high – for too long.

Things I avoid that makes me feel really bad has taught me at least two things. One is that feeling that bad as I do/did is simply a sign of guilt over something, that I have to ask myself really deeply if I could have controlled? Most of the time that wasn’t the case. Things just are sometimes. Good intentions and all I also have to surrender and maybe this is what it is teaching me?

The other thing is – more importantly – when someone tries to guilt ride me and I go on that trip with them, eventually I risk that it becomes detrimental. So I have to resist. I have to keep distance and not take things to heart. Because my heart really does takes to it.

I wish I could say ”I’m sorry, but if I get involved and personally invested I will have a heart attack”…

I tried twice and both ended in me being accused of even worse. So no point.

Often I am just quiet. I am there and I think that would make whoever feel that I attend their issue, but no. They talk themselves into the most fascinated conclusions taking my lines too.

So I burn. I burn from energy of the fear, the unfairness, the hurt, the guilt I take in from others. So unless I have had the time to protect myself beforehand I now simply don’t interact.

So maybe it isn’t resistance, but self-care. And when I do this I can keep the distance to see if this all comes from other things. Unknowingly I triggered something? But that is ok.

By keeping myself emotionally clean I can see their innocence. Even my own.

Things can be un-done.

So resistance is after all good. It tells me where I am emotionally vulnerable, over engaged or not letting something go when it is passed my mental due date.

344 signals to go.