The shadow of shame

…the feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather …

3 weeks since I last  went for my healing combined therapy.

It wasn’t suppose to be this long, but life came in between. Relatives visiting and those type of things. Even now I even overslept…2 whole hours…rescheduled and went 3 hours later.

It was good energy to work with this day she said.

To be on the safe side I arrived 15 min too early and had to sit outside and wait.

From being a very closed person I have cracked. The right word and it takes 5 minutes to have me sit there in all my…let’s be civilized and call it…pain.

This time we talk about shame. The shame of being rejected. Of experience abandonment. The shame of knowing your parent is wrong and you are powerless to do anything about it.

We talk about truth. Betrayal. Distrust. The inner child. The pure innocence we all once were.

As I am suppose to offer comfort to this little girl I feel helpless, unworthy somehow. Who am I to comfort and protect her.

I don’t know if it is her not wanting to be hugged, or me being too uncomfortable to reach out, we silently agree to just sit beside each other. A feeling of complete overwhelm flows over through me. Am I really equipped to take care of her?

I see her innocence and the strength in her purity. It is admirable actually.

We hold hands.

To my surprise it gives me peace and support. All that I wished to give her she is giving me.

I am the weak one.

That is all that is needed – that hand holding me – and that old wise soul looking up at me.

It holds no doubt, no uncertainty – no shame.

Only love, joy and with a shy smile… happiness.

I breathe. I drive home. I fall asleep at my desk.

I wake up early without an alarm. There is a strange peace.

I survived staying in that feeling since my early childhood. The feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather kill myself…

I am saved by my own bell.

I am coming home.

301 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Evgeni Dinev at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Taking the next step

Someone said manage your money or it will manage you.

I would say …

I hesitate. I drag it out. I stare. I forget to breathe. I am genuinely over-whelmed.

I try to see the priority order, I make small lists trying to see some logical order, so I can stick to that. Trying to hold my own hand.

This is a mountain of resistance – and I have to get through it – and it will feel like hell and when I am through I will look back and wonder what the fuzz was about.

I know this. Yet it is so emotionally pressuring doing it.

And it is all in my head and not understandable for outsiders… taking the next step. Break the next layers of protection I built around myself to feel safe. Stand on my own.Do my own homework and know I done it now. That this time I believe it and I know it.

I drown a little to be able to stay a float a little. Deeper and higher for every time.

Asking for help is not easy either. Pride weighs heavy on me – both my independence as well as family and personal.

Someone said manage your money or it will manage you.

I would say manage yourself or someone else will manage you. And for some reason that sits deep in me – but I have to stay active, be alive and be decisive. Choose how I want to be supported rather than freaked out having to need something in a way I don’t like.

But I don’t run. I sit still. Even when feeling like throwing up and getting out.

So I have to trust my faith, my humbleness and whatever guidance I may be given, that it will lead me right even if it doesn’t make sense to me or I can’t see it for the time of being.

I am on my way.

305 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Hacking myself?

Information overwhelm and I am not just stuck in my head – it has also left me and vanished far into the future and seems…

Difficulties.

I am holding my breath and I can almost feel the tension putting its nail into my shoulders.

I remind myself to breath. Need to get back to work. Focus.

Between then and now 200 thoughts have passed and I have concluded how much I don’t know and a 1000 things I could do with the things I do know…

Information overwhelm and I am not just stuck in my head – it has also left me and vanished far into the future and seems out of reach for me right now…

Seriously?

I breathe again and open my eyes and collect myself. I can do this. I AM doing this.

Focus and there will be no room for worry.

One thing at a time.

This is good. I am on to something.

It is weird. My head has not left the body and there is no tingling anywhere. Rock solid presence.

I am on to something that I know. I didn’t know that I knew, but never the less. I know.

I know something very genuinely and deep and to the degree my body shows no sign of weakness.

It is my voice. My very own voice. No dialogue going forth and back. Just one plain voice.

Grounded, clear and firm (?).

I hacked myself.

I am stunned.

This is the voice people told me to take so good care of twenty years ago.

(Yeah, what else am I suppose to do? Drop it somewhere?)

I was so unaware and so naive.

(You are talking outside my body – why is it hurting so much?)

Calmer now. Want to give myself a hug. It is ok. Know better now.

315 signals to go. Definitely coming home.

Image courtesy by Pat138241 at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

Washing it off

Have you ever felt betrayed, back-stabbed, cheated on, excluded or even bullied?

Have you ever felt betrayed, back-stabbed, cheated on, excluded or even bullied?

Today I think I managed to get my fair share of each – all in one go. Had to just stop the car and sit still and let it just rush through the system and then somehow slowly ebb away a bit.

When I collected myself again and turned the car on again to get out in traffic I silently ask myself in what sort of denial have I been living in? Was so I so desperate for approval? Belonging? Achievements?

It is like I have told myself what to feel rather than feeling it. What was expected of me.

Now I feel it. Like an instant pain you instantly want to withdraw from I just it still.

It is uncomfortable. It is painful. It is relieving in a backwards way.

I take time to feel and I take time to observe to the best I can.

I have found that I am very uncomfortable with other people’s unexpected expectations. They have ideas and plans I am suppose to fit in to, which I either never realized or I never actively took part in from the beginning.

Then they have these big dramatic behaviours and most often I haven’t seen it coming and again and again I am deeply confused or surprised. It has taken a while, but at least now – when I happen to do it myself – I can silently ask for some type of undoing and ask myself what is really going on?

When I manage to hold on and stay in my Observer position I can see that maybe I attracted this person – or his or hers views on something – into my life when I was in a fundamentally different place. As with my intentions, maybe I need to give myself a break here and let certain people ache out to really ensure whatever has to be learned is learned?

Today I didn’t look away. Nor did I dwell. I looked. Looked again. And looked at myself. And back again. There was really betrayal. Real back stabbing. Real bullying. But I didn’t have to let it define me. Or let it put me on an emotional dependency spree. Just let it fall to the ground as I move forward.

Wash it off.

The evening I spend in the ocean waves looking up at the sky. Trust, trust, trust I tell myself as I let them carry my up and down with the streams. I breathe. I float. I am doing it.

A little bit drained, but I go to bed with a cleaned soul tonight.

335 signals to go. Slowly but surely.

Breathe, woman, breathe!

My daughter looks at me seriously and says I am over working it. Again. She is very wise. Always has been…

Today is still a day in waiting.

Responses. Feedback. Agreements and activations.

It is like hearing the thunder on a distance and holding your breath while you wait for the sky to open up and the rain finally come.

It is painfully slow. Never have I been so aware how much I have always depended on my own doings and actions. I don’t trust anything or anyone really by the look of it. Now I have to let other people in. Let them be part of my life. Do their part and trust it is all for the overall good of everybody.

I catch myself not breathing at all or holding my breathe simply forgetting about it.

It is annoying how bad I am at just letting go and let it be.

Breathe, woman, breathe!

I get a glimpse of clarity and then I fall back in the slowness of things again. That is what it feels like anyway. My daughter looks at me seriously and says I am over working it. Again. She is very wise. Always has been. To change her tempo for anyone else has never been her thing.

So let’s focus on the clarity. When I listen and follow my own inner flow scheduling is totally useless. I can’t schedule it at all and it is simply disturbing when I have to stop because of some outer expectation pressing.

I can see every step I need to take and how they add up to the path I am led to take. I am in creativity heaven…and then I need to ground myself again and again.

Earthly commitments and responsibilities.

I like grounding but I don’t like how we so easily attack each other to make things happen faster, better, or our way…we simply attempt to change other people’s paths too much.

Hmm. Need to digest that some more.

Now breathe. In and out and in again.

339 little signals to light. On my way.

Image courtesy of Christian Meyn at FreeDigitalPhotos.net