A 1 year challenge

There is a time in life when we draw a line in the sand.

When we leave without ever turning back.

When we emerge ourselves into something with an energy beyond anything we ever focused on before.

Advertisements

There is a time in life when we draw a line in the sand.

When we leave without ever turning back.

When we emerge ourselves into something with an energy beyond anything we ever focused on before.

My line in Β the sand came when I was 42 years old and within a time frame of 4 years I lost my father, I was witness to something criminal, I had a child coming back to live with me (without any financial help at all), my spouse was put in isolation – in a foreign country – due to life threatening virus, another child being bullied, business partners and certain staff trying everything from taking advantage to steel or plainly assuming I would pick up the bill for any mistake possible, being diagnosed with 4th grade cancer and medical burnout, taking care of my cancer sick addictive mother in her home… all culminating in my mother’s death, a severely damaged business-out of control -I was barely working in(aka no active income) yet legally responsible for, a badly collapsed relationship and a complete physical and mental exhaustion… so I draw a line. The line.

____________________________________________________

And I said yes to myself and no to most things going on – and intentionally I let it all, or most of it, collapse.

I started the journey of re-starting myself financially, re-defining myself personally, re-covering physically, re-structure my work and my relationships.

This is my journey now.

Part of it is that I am a writer and in specific a story teller. It is one of my core skills and ways I always have expressed myself. Both professionally and privately. So to start it off by a commitment to myself, to write every day, about this journey felt like the logical start.

This is MY 1 YEAR CHALLENGE.

So why am I putting this here and even telling people about the back-ground? Because I don’t think I am alone. My story may have different details, but the general issues are common to anyone having a life crisis – or having one, but not knowing how to deal with it, or having one and trying to ignore it.

And it gives a structure to an otherwise shapeless existence.

And it gives a sense of togetherness and new friendships.

In reality all things happen simultaneously. And it is only in an ideal world we can push pause on all other areas in our lives and then later push play again and things go back exactly as they were. They don’t. They never do.

In reality we have to grieve one person and parent another at the same time.

In the real world we have to deal with our physical shortcomings and go to work at the same time.

In the real world we have to save ourselves at the same time as we are helping everybody else.

So for 1 year I will be sharing this on this blog – my 365 signals finding my new home within myself.

If you are someone who also is on a quest for some sort of change and would like to share or connect or just follow – I am happy to support and follow you back. Maybe you have already assigned yourself some similar type of challenge? Please let me know in the comment box, email me or connect on social media.

Let us be strong together.

M.

PS. I am looking for other people who has given themselves or finished self-proclaimed challenges, similar like this – maybe another topic, another format or another time frame – for an article. If it is you or you know of anyone pls message me πŸ™‚ DS

318 signals to go.

IMAGE COURTESY TO ETAPHOP AT WWW.FREEDIGITALPHOTOS.NET

Meltdowns and clarity

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

To not be the play along girl any more has a price.

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were Β – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

In two seconds I could conclude everything I had really worried about has or is happening right now – being judged, not belong, chaos financially being between 2 systems and handling 1 dead person’s, loose face, loose a relationship – don’t think I need to go on. You got the picture.

So technically I can just F*** it and do it any way.

For the first time in my life I told someone I felt bullied.

Despite the complete shock of the other person, who clearly just thought they could do what they were doing without thinking, it was a big step for myself – both being vulnerable – but also to actually call something with its correct word.

Where I grew up you could not raise your voice, object or in any other way misbehave. Thinking about it now I was askling myself how that rule was put into play since I never heard or saw anyone object. Was that also bullying? Some type of silent threats or simply ignoring you to the point you didn’t exist unless you changed your attitude? I mean where is the borderline where you no longer correct or lead something, but is actually breaking something down? The classical tactics to undermine women without saying it loud.

I know both my grandma and my mother had regrets about this, but still they never broke the pattern. When I started school at 7 I had already stress symptoms on both teeth and eyes. At 23 my hair went white from one day to another. I remember the doctor telling me to spend more time in the stables…being a rider herself that was the best she could come up with.

My mother clearly suffered from this. My grandma I don’t know. I was so outside myself by the time I lived with her I must have been like a drilled puppy. My mother raged and threw porcelain, while I ducked and cried in silence.

So today I had my meltdown and my clarity. I still hate meltdowns though. Even when the air is cleared and things are fine. It is like loving new rain, but be scared of the thunder – you can’t have one without the other.

Maybe that’s it – as rodeo rider’s count their falling offs, the sales person his nos until the yes – maybe I should count my meltdowns and celebrate them as representing that I am one step closer to my new reality?

Today I will sleep well.

328 signals to go home.

Washing it off

Have you ever felt betrayed, back-stabbed, cheated on, excluded or even bullied?

Have you ever felt betrayed, back-stabbed, cheated on, excluded or even bullied?

Today I think I managed to get my fair share of each – all in one go. Had to just stop the car and sit still and let it just rush through the system and then somehow slowly ebb away a bit.

When I collected myself again and turned the car on again to get out in traffic I silently ask myself in what sort of denial have I been living in? Was so I so desperate for approval? Belonging? Achievements?

It is like I have told myself what to feel rather than feeling it. What was expected of me.

Now I feel it. Like an instant pain you instantly want to withdraw from I just it still.

It is uncomfortable. It is painful. It is relieving in a backwards way.

I take time to feel and I take time to observe to the best I can.

I have found that I am very uncomfortable with other people’s unexpected expectations. They have ideas and plans I am suppose to fit in to, which I either never realized or I never actively took part in from the beginning.

Then they have these big dramatic behaviours and most often I haven’t seen it coming and again and again I am deeply confused or surprised. It has taken a while, but at least now – when I happen to do it myself – I can silently ask for some type of undoing and ask myself what is really going on?

When I manage to hold on and stay in my Observer position I can see that maybe I attracted this person – or his or hers views on something – into my life when I was in a fundamentally different place. As with my intentions, maybe I need to give myself a break here and let certain people ache out to really ensure whatever has to be learned is learned?

Today I didn’t look away. Nor did I dwell. I looked. Looked again. And looked at myself. And back again. There was really betrayal. Real back stabbing. Real bullying. But I didn’t have to let it define me. Or let it put me on an emotional dependency spree. Just let it fall to the ground as I move forward.

Wash it off.

The evening I spend in the ocean waves looking up at the sky. Trust, trust, trust I tell myself as I let them carry my up and down with the streams. I breathe. I float. I am doing it.

A little bit drained, but I go to bed with a cleaned soul tonight.

335 signals to go. Slowly but surely.