90 seconds on reality

So I am stepping out slowly but surely to the reality. Back to school and back to work and all that.

Somewhere I read that we only hold emotions for 90 seconds… then they blow over.

So if we can only survive those 90 seconds – not responding with another terrorizing emotion or action – we will be grounded back to life again. Which of these lives now – that is…

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So I am stepping out slowly but surely to the reality. Back to school and back to work and all that.

Somewhere I read that we only hold emotions for 90 seconds… then they blow over.

So if we can only survive those 90 seconds – not responding with another terrorizing emotion or action – we will be grounded back to life again. Which of these lives now – that is…

I found that I am either conditioned, or shaped, into believing that emotions are good – that is what life is about in fact. The bigger the better. There are 2 backsides to this reasoning however.

One being I only seem to be big on the negative stuff and can barely separate the difference or define the positive ones…

The second is society seem to prefer we are not emotional at all. It is disturbing apparently.

And then the given that once we finally get that we are more than just this body and just this life – then there is the children…and they didn’t ask for neither the way kids don’t.

Is functioning the same as being numbed off and in survival mode? Denying pains, grief and regrets?

Getting stuck in one owns pains or of others is simply overwhelming. To be eye to eye with real suffering is hard. Rape, war, money disasters, death…just to name a few that landed in my inbox this Monday morning. It feels  like one could throw up, call in sick and go and hide under a pillow – but that is not an option in my reality. I can dwell in the 90 seconds and that’s it.

Resourcefulness means something else here. One way or the other you have to move yourself forward. Plant the seeds. Nurture and nurture and nurture again and if everything goes well harvest at some point. Nurturing can also be hard. Children, animals, work, self, family…

So I hold that breath for 90 seconds. Sit in it all and when i let it go I am so out of breath I can’t take another one fast enough – and whatever moment has passed and I can re-focus.

Going home. 299 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Coward Lion at www.fredigitalphotos.net

 

 

 

Rootless

For the first time in my life I no longer have to run away to be able to cope – I can run towards something instead. It is a shift…

For a few days I couldn’t ground myself to write. Rather than punishing myself I try to reflect;

If I am careless with my routines – especially those grounding me and caring for myself – then I am easier swept away by other’s agendas and influence.

In a situation where you restart beyond zero – the vulnerability is genuinely on the outside. The pain from what seems irrelevant small issues goes right through and there is no protection. And feelings are energy. And afterwards it happens I feel like a wet spot on the ground, desperately trying to rise rather than vanishing down, through the earth, into another world down under.

As a child my references for security was places and not people. My mother had a house, which she mismanaged so much I had to live with my grandmother. We kept the house as a summer and weekend house. It was my whole world. Maybe because it was where I could flee from violence and harsh words in to the world of the nature and the animals. I know those forests like my own pocket.

Eventually my mother let someone else sell it. Someone bought it for a bargain price and burned it down…Every time I do a vision board or something similar there is always a house there. A house where people can come and go, but I am always at home there. With my children and my animals.

For the first time in my life I no longer have to run away to be able to cope – I can run towards something instead. It is a shift that I can literally feel through my whole system – not fully established yet, but on its way – I am rootless-ly flying through my own universe like a pulled up plant looking for a place to settle.

Without my parents I suddenly look for my own culture again. The language, the songs, the views and the smells. Is there a home in me I can not deny no matter how far I travelled? Re-connecting.

It is uncomfortable, but I can’t hurry it to be over.

It is uncomfortable, but I can’t go back.

It is uncomfortable, but I can’t stop it.

I am in the air – on my way home…

321 signals to go.

How are you surviving today?

The dark disguised in bright shiny colours blinding us…

On this quest to find myself my home within, I am more and more often coming across and ponder on the dark side.

The dark disguised in bright shiny colours blinding us with its promises.

In my culture it used to be symbolised by fancy sexy women with long hair, that when you could see their backs, it was like rutten trees with big holes and white worms crawling around predicting the walking of death.

So – I am exploring the backside of truth and of vulnerability, creativity, passion – when it has gone haywire.

My first stop is numbness.

According to statistics we have never shut down and tried to numb ourselves so much ever before. It is food, medication, drugs, debt, gambling, internet, sex etc etc – and etc. Long list. Very long list.

So long it makes me wonder – taken everyone at any moment is saying or doing what they think is best for that very specific moment – and we run away – collectively – to this extent – it must mean:

a) we are not so insensitive as we think of each other nor about ourselves?

b) how we live and how we relate to each other and our biological environment must be considerably off target?

Maybe we are all just trying to survive and when we run out of tools we just go back to something, which we for whatever reason references as comfort, something we think we have control over.

There is also proven, that for each generation we have become more and more sensitive. Our biological senses are overworked and indirectly saying the no we can’t get ourselves to say out loud.

Many children, when kicking back, are judged horribly and given all sorts of acronyms. Maybe it is the other way around?

Is it our bodies, with increased heart diseases, all sorts of cancers, allergies, over sensitivity – screaming the best it can?

We have all run enough now. We simply can’t take another step any more. We have to deal with ourselves in another way.

No flee. No freeze. No fight.Now what?

With this I go to bed tonight.

323 signals to go. Good night.

Image courtesy to Feelart at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

 

How do you know that you are on the right path?

So how do you know that you are on the right path, when everything and everybody (!) is telling you the opposite?

Deep breath.

Getting out of my head space and into the body.

Being grounded right here , in the life, right now.

So I am giving myself permission to give and for now I don’t have any better tool than this.

Deep breath.

So how do you know that you are on the right path, when everything and everybody (!) is telling you the opposite?

  • My heart is at peace (which drives some even more insane..)
  • I fall asleep easily and I have vivid dreams (don’t always know what they mean, but I can recall parts…).
  • Children and animals understand me instantly (no need for confusing explanations and arguments).
  • Knowledge and understanding comes with ease (even when I don’t know why or from where).
  • There is a constant dialogue with all types of higher forms and the signs are seen and considered (no missed opportunities, delayed conversations and wondering what to do next).
  • Giving or sharing (even to a stranger)comes without thinking.

This list can go on and be even deeper.

What I thought was “wrong with me” is actually my genuinely real talent and gift. And I can use it and act from it in many many forms.

To come away from linard conclusions, preempted knowledge, win whatever strategies – this is more about expending in the (3 dimensional) being.

A misused purpose that may have actually harmed rather than lifted, taken out of its context and denying its source and roots.

Rewired brain waves and revived heart energy.

For today let’s just finish there. Letting it sink in and know it is more to come.

347 signal to go.

Image courtesy of ntwowe at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

 

 

From anger at self to moving forward

I assume when you come to the point, when everything goes the wrong way, when you actually think twice before starting the blame game, or…

I assume when you come to the point, when everything goes the wrong way, when you actually think twice before starting the blame game, or simply screaming on children, or on the dog – it is a step in the right direction right?

Yet I still have to bite my tongue, but the thought is now faster than the reaction, so I tell myself that is part of the process, and sometime in the future the thought will be gone and I won’t even notice it left – wishful thinking but still. It gives me courage to try again and not give up hope.

So this is surrender – and it drives me insane how frustratingly slow it is. Or how slow I am apparently.

Half the time I feel paralyzed to do anything or overwhelmed just by getting through the daily commitments. In my case my body reacts to stress with a severe desire to sleep and migraine. That is probably the worse combination for anyone – what else would make you stop… – who has been hyper active most of her life and always had at least 10 things in the making at the same time.

Doing my home-work I have now also learned that as a person with a high sensitivity system (HSP) I apparently experience more stress than average, because simply I take in more impressions (and here I thought my whole life this was just a sign of growing up with an addictive person). Now I also know that an over stimulated body and mind, which exist with or under long periods of abnormal stress, eventually can’t take anymore, and to recover you need ca 10h sleep per day plus 2 short naps – or you end up dead – either by some accident you get yourself into – or simply doesn’t wake up one morning.

So the going forward is taking a complete different form than what I had ever thought. So I go by the hour. One at a time. One hour that always starts by asking for strength managing just one more. Keeping calm. Listening. Observing. Doing my little things, I planned before hand and be so present that whatever happens it will be ok.

Doing this – or going through it as some may choose to say – while having children is not entirely easy. The fact that someone depends on you and all you can come up with is “I have to sleep now” is not as encouraging as one would want it to be. On the good side I have now been told “I did that gratitude thing by myself today when I was out” [every evening before we go to sleep we say out loud together the things we been grateful for that day] and now I am very grateful also for this – she got it!

Upwards and onwards. We are on the way. 349 signals to go.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net