The shadow of shame

…the feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather …

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3 weeks since I last  went for my healing combined therapy.

It wasn’t suppose to be this long, but life came in between. Relatives visiting and those type of things. Even now I even overslept…2 whole hours…rescheduled and went 3 hours later.

It was good energy to work with this day she said.

To be on the safe side I arrived 15 min too early and had to sit outside and wait.

From being a very closed person I have cracked. The right word and it takes 5 minutes to have me sit there in all my…let’s be civilized and call it…pain.

This time we talk about shame. The shame of being rejected. Of experience abandonment. The shame of knowing your parent is wrong and you are powerless to do anything about it.

We talk about truth. Betrayal. Distrust. The inner child. The pure innocence we all once were.

As I am suppose to offer comfort to this little girl I feel helpless, unworthy somehow. Who am I to comfort and protect her.

I don’t know if it is her not wanting to be hugged, or me being too uncomfortable to reach out, we silently agree to just sit beside each other. A feeling of complete overwhelm flows over through me. Am I really equipped to take care of her?

I see her innocence and the strength in her purity. It is admirable actually.

We hold hands.

To my surprise it gives me peace and support. All that I wished to give her she is giving me.

I am the weak one.

That is all that is needed – that hand holding me – and that old wise soul looking up at me.

It holds no doubt, no uncertainty – no shame.

Only love, joy and with a shy smile… happiness.

I breathe. I drive home. I fall asleep at my desk.

I wake up early without an alarm. There is a strange peace.

I survived staying in that feeling since my early childhood. The feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather kill myself…

I am saved by my own bell.

I am coming home.

301 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Evgeni Dinev at www.freedigitalphotos.net

40 years in the desert

I can’t help of wondering if Moses never had any doubts?..

I think that was what Moses did? Wandering around I assume until he found his promised land.

I can’t help of wondering if he never had any doubts? No one was ever upset with him? Wondering what he was doing? How did he handle that?

And the women what were they doing? Or thinking?

The persistence and the size of faith, that all must have required… so what are my comparably small little problems compared to all that?

Can I find the same strength as his to lead myself out of the suffering? This self-made prison our generation seem to have created around us.

Can I re-fine that set point in myself when I would wake up and get out of bed just for the fun of the day ahead of me? Re-connect with that joy and creativity?

Finding inner sparkle without sugar, caffeine, tobacco or whatever?

This is for me my real question – to trust in myself – in my faith in myself.

Like a small small light far away I can at least see it. No bonfire. But something small that is bright and shines. I know now my path is leading that way. That I eventually will emerge in it.

I can start healing by accepting myself. I don’t need to know anymore. I don’t need to control or protect or differentiate. Or maybe a little bit. The mother in me still wants to protect.

Maybe acceptance is protection? Having somebody’s back when they go out on the arena of life? Shielding anyone would be hindering them even going out there in the first place wouldn’t it?

OK, white flag to myself – both protection and tolerance includes some type separation between good and bad and puts myself in the middle being the ruler…undo.

Long day, but still here – 319 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Stoonn at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

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The things we do NOT think about

If someone outspokenly told me they were going to teach me a fear based thinking pattern and that I would defend it against myself…

Together with whales and dolphins we are the spices with the most developed front-lobes aka we can think. Then how does it come that we more often than not wake up to situations where we clearly haven’t?

If someone outspokenly told me they were going to teach me a fear based thinking pattern and that I would defend it against myself with the help of pride, expectations and possible humiliation I would probably have said no thank you.

But no one asked me. And in hindsight I doubt anyone asked them. It was just the way it was done.

We scare small children into an emotional dependency and then we tell them about right and wrong. Good or bad. Love and hate. Belonging and separation. Inclusion and exclusion.

Not everybody does this. It is a very dualistic and a Christian/Jewish way to define the world.

As much as I wish it was not the case I have to admit this occurred to me just lately. I simply never bothered to think about it.

So I thought most of the world was unsafe. Down to the very relationship with myself.

Trust didn’t exist. Anywhere.

To actively retrain is not always easy, but I persist. So I think.

Varied results yes, but I keep at it.

Universal laws, metaphysics, spirituality, religion, self-help, traditions, habits. You name it.

Read. Read. Read. Think. Think. Think. Read again.

Maybe this is the liberty of not having any parents or older relatives alive? Nobody there to put you back in place again…

341 signals to go.

Image courtesy of khunaspix at FreeDigitalPhotos.net