Do your own homework

You know what – I don’t want you to go out in the world and think that you are entitled. Do you know what entitled means? It means…

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This week I focused on my new work. Completely dived into it and it starts to make sense.

What in the beginning felt like a possible failure or impossible obstacles are now things I just have to figure out and work around – and I do.

Then someone came by and knocked the door just to tell me they finally resolved my internet. Woohoo! I can’t really express the feeling when we have been without internet for so long… It is almost like you forget how smooth it is and how extremely spoiled we are are having it in the first place.

So I use the opportunity to look at a feelgood movie with my kids – Bad Moms with Mila Kunis and Christina Applegate.

I am not sure this movie is the definition of bad moms, but it is very relate-able for anyone who has or have had kids – the-please-all-other-parents-syndrome at school – attend every committee, PTA, bake sale you name i t. In other words the mom-trap that sends you straight to parent-hell with bad self confidence, more insecurities and I-am-never-enough nightmares.

A lot of standard Hollywood bla bla comedy and then suddenly this super scene where the kids in  the kitchen one morning waiting for breakfast and wonder where she is, followed by the son freaking out that no one done his science homework and she turns to him and says;

You know what – I don’t want you to go out in the world and think that you are entitled.  Do you know what entitled means? It means that you will expect other people to do things for you, but they don’t; me to do your homework, your teacher to give you high grades, your boss to give you a pay raise for no reason, your wife to do everything for you, your kids to be a lot of things that you have chosen – in other words a HORRIBLE person! And then you are going to get divorced, have a bad relationship with your kids etc etc. NOBODY has to do anything for you – and the sooner you start working on actually knowing and doing things for yourself the better life will be and you will not have all those problems – making sense? So you do your own homework from now on – and off she walks.

As part of a co-dependency scenario entitlement pops up more often than not in both directions. One who thinks that with what ever addiction or problem – since we now agreed it is a problem – they now think they are entitled to help to solved or help to “handle”it. Then again one always being agreeable, taking out all fires and smoothing and fixing at some point concludes , that being this nice, polite, helpful and so on I now have a right to get something in return – whatever I want and preferably right now… and so it goes on.

So I know this dance and I wish someone had told me exactly the same at that age, but more in the lines of; Entitlement means that you are going to think that your mum, because she has said and done stupid things when she has been drunk, owes you something. Anything really. And from time to time she is going to agree, because of guilt, and at other times – she won’t or can’t. And you know what will happen then? You will prove to yourself you are right – you are going to tell the world to look how bad she is to you – when you in all reality was wrong from the very beginning! She and the rest of the world owes you NOTHING, so get off that little butt of yours and get going! No one will do your life for you!

But no one gave me that speech… so I also have to do it now instead, but I am very proud of my small steps forward and mini successes!

307 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Stuart Miles at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

Days of silence

There are those moments that moves you to the core…

Sometimes days pass in silence. Maybe thoughts and emotions are being processed. Maybe life passes in a flow of nothingness.

Either way not much is being written. However, I have learned to listen to the writing voice now. In a similar way I don’t have to stress about how fast or how many pages I read my spiritual readings, nor do I have to worry the guidance to write won’t come back.

The past days I have geared up my work a little bit more. It is quite a bit until it is where I want it, but considering the darkness I found myself I am happy about the progress. Focus and energy comes easier by the day.

Less and less do I look around. I know roughly where I want things to go, so most things select themselves. And then there are those moments of confusion and waves of worry or scarcity – but they blow over faster and faster now. Like I can hold my own steering wheel more firmly now.

Then there are those moments that moves you to the core. They also cause deep silence.

Lately I found out that it is possibly that I didn’t had the picture regarding a certain family situation completely right. At the same time, I can fully understand why this person maybe didn’t tell me the whole truth. Why I was left to my own understanding and believes.

Things simply are too painful to talk about sometimes and maybe I wasn’t the best sounding board either at the time. I wrote a whole post about it, but decide not to publish it. Maybe the subject will come again another day. For now, it is better off deleted.

I rely on myself, but more importantly, I have started to slowly trust my own ability again. That is almost worth more than money in the bank.

I am getting there. 311 signals to go.

Image courtesy MrWildLife at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

Hacking myself?

Information overwhelm and I am not just stuck in my head – it has also left me and vanished far into the future and seems…

Difficulties.

I am holding my breath and I can almost feel the tension putting its nail into my shoulders.

I remind myself to breath. Need to get back to work. Focus.

Between then and now 200 thoughts have passed and I have concluded how much I don’t know and a 1000 things I could do with the things I do know…

Information overwhelm and I am not just stuck in my head – it has also left me and vanished far into the future and seems out of reach for me right now…

Seriously?

I breathe again and open my eyes and collect myself. I can do this. I AM doing this.

Focus and there will be no room for worry.

One thing at a time.

This is good. I am on to something.

It is weird. My head has not left the body and there is no tingling anywhere. Rock solid presence.

I am on to something that I know. I didn’t know that I knew, but never the less. I know.

I know something very genuinely and deep and to the degree my body shows no sign of weakness.

It is my voice. My very own voice. No dialogue going forth and back. Just one plain voice.

Grounded, clear and firm (?).

I hacked myself.

I am stunned.

This is the voice people told me to take so good care of twenty years ago.

(Yeah, what else am I suppose to do? Drop it somewhere?)

I was so unaware and so naive.

(You are talking outside my body – why is it hurting so much?)

Calmer now. Want to give myself a hug. It is ok. Know better now.

315 signals to go. Definitely coming home.

Image courtesy by Pat138241 at www.freedigitalphotos.net