40 years in the desert

I can’t help of wondering if Moses never had any doubts?..

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I think that was what Moses did? Wandering around I assume until he found his promised land.

I can’t help of wondering if he never had any doubts? No one was ever upset with him? Wondering what he was doing? How did he handle that?

And the women what were they doing? Or thinking?

The persistence and the size of faith, that all must have required… so what are my comparably small little problems compared to all that?

Can I find the same strength as his to lead myself out of the suffering? This self-made prison our generation seem to have created around us.

Can I re-fine that set point in myself when I would wake up and get out of bed just for the fun of the day ahead of me? Re-connect with that joy and creativity?

Finding inner sparkle without sugar, caffeine, tobacco or whatever?

This is for me my real question – to trust in myself – in my faith in myself.

Like a small small light far away I can at least see it. No bonfire. But something small that is bright and shines. I know now my path is leading that way. That I eventually will emerge in it.

I can start healing by accepting myself. I don’t need to know anymore. I don’t need to control or protect or differentiate. Or maybe a little bit. The mother in me still wants to protect.

Maybe acceptance is protection? Having somebody’s back when they go out on the arena of life? Shielding anyone would be hindering them even going out there in the first place wouldn’t it?

OK, white flag to myself – both protection and tolerance includes some type separation between good and bad and puts myself in the middle being the ruler…undo.

Long day, but still here – 319 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Stoonn at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

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Confidence – anyone?

Self-reliability. Trust in one-self. Firm trust it even says in the dictionary.

How does it feel? I definitely knows what it does NOT feels like. Questioning self is not one of the answers.

Today it is about acknowledgement and confidence…

As a classical co-dependent child I obviously belong to those who on a bad day filter my life through the glasses of validation.

How does this come across? What will they say? What will she say? What does he think? Why is whoever saying whatever?

Question mark. Question mark. Question mark.

I know to increase my daily acknowledgements from 5-10, but it is the confidence stuff that really strikes home. Makes me a little bit uncomfortable. Breathing a bit deeper. Swallowing before really hearing the question.

Self-reliability. Trust in one-self. Firm trust it even says in the dictionary.

How does it feel? I definitely knows what it does NOT feels like. Questioning self is not one of the answers. Excitement and vulnerability at the same time it suggests.

I used to drown my self in work not having to go home. All sorts of work. Paid work. Volunteer work. Studies. Start-ups. My CV was like 5 people’s by the time I was 35. That was the side I identified myself with and what I was strong in.

Admittedly things can change, but I can’t help to wonder if more than not, if it wasn’t the opposite. I fought every possible insecurity with an outer action. Titles, salaries, benefits, rewards, media coverage etc. All measurable and “good”.

Inner confidence.

Yes, what is that really? A certainty who you are would be my answer and guess. The uncompromised version. The messy, not always so correct, answers.

The big question is obviously what would be the actions and the outcomes if you had it? It you were totally uncompromised 100% true to yourself?

For years the scene in Runaway bride where Julia Roberts is trying to figure out which type of eggs she actually likes, was a complete home-run with me.

By now I know many things I don’t like – yet to discover the depth of some of the new things I have found out.

How do you exercise you confidence? (yes it has an expiry date if you don’t watch it 😉 Please share it would be great to hear.

327 signals to go.

 

 

 

The things we do NOT think about

If someone outspokenly told me they were going to teach me a fear based thinking pattern and that I would defend it against myself…

Together with whales and dolphins we are the spices with the most developed front-lobes aka we can think. Then how does it come that we more often than not wake up to situations where we clearly haven’t?

If someone outspokenly told me they were going to teach me a fear based thinking pattern and that I would defend it against myself with the help of pride, expectations and possible humiliation I would probably have said no thank you.

But no one asked me. And in hindsight I doubt anyone asked them. It was just the way it was done.

We scare small children into an emotional dependency and then we tell them about right and wrong. Good or bad. Love and hate. Belonging and separation. Inclusion and exclusion.

Not everybody does this. It is a very dualistic and a Christian/Jewish way to define the world.

As much as I wish it was not the case I have to admit this occurred to me just lately. I simply never bothered to think about it.

So I thought most of the world was unsafe. Down to the very relationship with myself.

Trust didn’t exist. Anywhere.

To actively retrain is not always easy, but I persist. So I think.

Varied results yes, but I keep at it.

Universal laws, metaphysics, spirituality, religion, self-help, traditions, habits. You name it.

Read. Read. Read. Think. Think. Think. Read again.

Maybe this is the liberty of not having any parents or older relatives alive? Nobody there to put you back in place again…

341 signals to go.

Image courtesy of khunaspix at FreeDigitalPhotos.net