When my soul is black and blue

You throw your issues at me.

Like a gazillion sharp arrows they hit me.

Nails me to your cause…

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You throw your issues at me.

Like a gazillion sharp arrows they hit me.

Nails me to your cause.

Stuck you keep me there; it is all your issues, your life, everyone ever done something bad towards you, ignored you or neglected you.

You curse, you swear, you pant and are at me again.

I can barely breath. Your hatred hits me in the stomach and I am out of breathe.

Getting up I try to not disturb you. I draw in the sand.

This is the line, I point at the drawing, that separates you from me.

You do not walkover that line – ever – again.

Walk away it sings in my head as I walk away.

What is it you want I ask myself. If you can’t get what you want, then what is it?

My life? My sanity? What is it that you want from me that you think will heal whatever is broken in you?

I turn and look at the line on a distance. Is it yours or mine?

Did I let myself be pulled over into a territory that was not mine?

I tremble.

I stumble.

I fall.

For f*** sake just leave me alone…I mumble to myself.

I try to get up, but it is hard.

Every arrow has left me a bruise. Black and blue I am.

I don’t cry, but I have no strength anymore.

I look, I prepare, I aim.

I hit you just beside your heart. You look surprised. Didn’t thought I had it in me did you?

We both know I will let you live, but we both also know – this is real.

The pretense is over.

My soul is soar.

My soul is black and blue.

I am going home.

304 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Dariusz Sas at www.dreamstime.com

 

Time for surrendering

It is releasing, comforting and grounding at the same time as it is deeply painful. I cry even when…

So here I am, a few weeks later, attending my first facilitated session.

Yep, to really get this, whatever it is out of my system, I figured I couldn’t do it alone. I simply couldn’t see myself for all my selves so to speak.

So this is what I do now every Sunday. Clearing my energy and do facilitated meditation combined with healing conversations.

It is releasing, comforting and grounding at the same time as it is deeply painful. I cry even when meditating. Tears swimming over and very slowly rolling down my face. I don’t even try to catch or stop them.

To me meditation is like bubbles coming down from the sky to greet you. Slowly they surround you to eventually encapsulate you in their safe white light. They become so many suddenly it is like you are sitting in a whole sea of them – bubble bathing.

When I breathe through my heart it bleeds and colours the bubbles pink.

I sit.

Very still.

In the pain.

My intellectual side can’t entirely figure it out. I want it to be obvious and clear and something I can fix. But I can’t. It has been with me almost since my first memories as a very young child. This sorrow my mother hated so much. Or at least that was what I thought she did. Maybe she simply just didn’t know what to do with it…

So we sit.

The pain and I.

“Universal”, the facilitator says.

Still doesn’t clear anything. Like I am my own riddle I can’t crack.

“Trust that you are guided and it will come to you”.

I get that this is the pain that drives me. That I seek it to heal something. That I hide from it when I can’t handle it anymore. It is why I have the life I have. Why I made all those good or less good choices.

When I leave I am very grounded. Cleared. I parked a bit a way, so I would get a natural walk afterwards. The word unity echoes in my head. It was mentioned in a by passing sentence, but it has stayed with me. And I don’t like it. I don’t want it to be unity. It feels trivial and pathetic somehow.

Surrender women. Surrender.

I keep on walking.

When I come home I reflect that it looks like nobody lives here. Somebody sleeps here, but nothing else. I feel a bit bad about it, but encourage myself that I at least reflect over it. That must be a good sign right?

I feel like I am 12 years old and starting all over again. But I am starting.

Everything has a first step.

312 signals to go. On my way home.

Image courtesy to 9comeback at www.freedigitalphotos.net

How do you know that you are on the right path?

So how do you know that you are on the right path, when everything and everybody (!) is telling you the opposite?

Deep breath.

Getting out of my head space and into the body.

Being grounded right here , in the life, right now.

So I am giving myself permission to give and for now I don’t have any better tool than this.

Deep breath.

So how do you know that you are on the right path, when everything and everybody (!) is telling you the opposite?

  • My heart is at peace (which drives some even more insane..)
  • I fall asleep easily and I have vivid dreams (don’t always know what they mean, but I can recall parts…).
  • Children and animals understand me instantly (no need for confusing explanations and arguments).
  • Knowledge and understanding comes with ease (even when I don’t know why or from where).
  • There is a constant dialogue with all types of higher forms and the signs are seen and considered (no missed opportunities, delayed conversations and wondering what to do next).
  • Giving or sharing (even to a stranger)comes without thinking.

This list can go on and be even deeper.

What I thought was “wrong with me” is actually my genuinely real talent and gift. And I can use it and act from it in many many forms.

To come away from linard conclusions, preempted knowledge, win whatever strategies – this is more about expending in the (3 dimensional) being.

A misused purpose that may have actually harmed rather than lifted, taken out of its context and denying its source and roots.

Rewired brain waves and revived heart energy.

For today let’s just finish there. Letting it sink in and know it is more to come.

347 signal to go.

Image courtesy of ntwowe at FreeDigitalPhotos.net