A 1500 days later…

1500 days later there are still 298 signals to go to “come home”.

1500 silent days of not thinking so much and just put one foot in front of the other. Putting food on the table. Convincing kids to go to school even when it doesn’t feel like having a point. Getting a job. Create stability. Keep the job. Move to another town. Start over. Maintain the job. Surviving. Set new standards. Get a set back at work. Make progress at work. Leaving work. Starting something else.

On and-on-and round and round and here I am. Writing. Again.

Taking inventory and doing my own accountability.

Maybe it is a crossroad or maybe it is just time to go deeper… like a submarine…deep dive.

These days, with curfews and all, do we dare to look within instead? Do we dare to ask ourselves if we were part of this? Of its creation? It’s birth?



Yes, we were.

We create even when we don’t think we do. When we don’t know we do.

1500 days I had to numb off a bit. Shut down the inner voice to just stay on it. Reaching the breakthrough. Reaching solid ground under my feet. No more free-falling.

So, let us see what we can do now. When the tables are turned. When the page is whiter than before. What can we do? What will we do? Knowingly. Unknowingly.

The journey home continues. 298 signals to go.

Photo by Nick Hillier on Unsplash

Hallelujah – we do NOT belong together

There comes a point when sitting still with discomfort suddenly doesn’t feel as if it is enough anymore. From deep within comes the an urge break through something and shake things up a bit…

There comes a point when sitting still with discomfort suddenly doesn’t feel as if it is enough anymore. From deep within comes the an urge break through something and shake things up a bit.

This is where I have arrived now. The ball is put into motion and can’t be stopped any longer. Without thinking it takes me along on its own journey. before I used to schedule all my have tos, but not anymore. Somehow they are sneaking themselves in higher and higher up – as if it has become a game to bust them all together.

This week I could give myself a high five for, after ten years of official absence, being a paid professional writer again. One should never underestimate the feeling of a work well done. It makes you want more no matter if it is more clients, know new people, mastery of some sort or simply just to really genuinely connect.

I surprise myself by even go back and dig for rejections, just to ensure I picked up on all small points to improve, as well as taking in what was said enough to notice the majority is actually positive. Very positive even.

And neither even feels bad.

It just helps me to see clearly were to go deeper and niche in.

From a long life of people please and trying to be there for everything and everybody it is a breath of fresh air to be able to distinctively say I am this and you are that. We can like each other – but from a far. We DO NOT belong together, so let’s not even try. Hallelujah.

I don’t know how it happened, but it just shifted. I can notice the discomfort – and move on to my own path.

Despite the discomfort I am moving forward.

Finding my way home. 302 signals to go.

Image courtesy to www.dreamstime.com/free-photos

Revise plan

Something does have to be done now.I have to live this life as I mean it…

So it says on my weekly to do/goal if I don’t reach certain goals.

I have now lived through a couple of partly horrible days when that occurred.

So revised action is required.

About 12 years ago I set out on a journey – that at the time was just a personal little issue – to be a single mother AND be none dependant on the government for benefits or anything else for that matter.

Little did I know that it would become a battle of a lifetime and a quest that from time to time spans from having the right to say or do certain things to big social or economic issues.

Personal freedom runs very deep with me. Not so much due to anyone trying to suppress me, but simply because it is an urge that is very strong and very deep. Like eating, sleep, creativity or sex – the right to be the truest version of oneself.

I used to go about as if this was about external permissions and regulations – being liberal; pro globalisation, pro minority groups, animal rights etc.

I now realized that the biggest with all of it is myself. I am the judge, the victim, the crusader and the rebel all at the same time.

I thought it was about me not feeling so lost in the world, just to wake up to a madness, that is so screwed it becomes about plain survival practically, emotionally, socially and financially.

Being an observer, a creative, a deeply connected person this is not going to be easy – but it the only way I have. Every day I don’t remember why I taken this path. Lead when it would be so much easier to follow. Maybe it is the notion that whatever has to happen has to happen fast – something has to be done right now. And maybe it isn’t just about me, but about all of us.

Something does have to be done now.

I have to live this life as I mean it…

338 signal to go. Finding my way.

Image courtesy of surasakiStock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net