The shadow of shame

…the feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather …

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3 weeks since I last  went for my healing combined therapy.

It wasn’t suppose to be this long, but life came in between. Relatives visiting and those type of things. Even now I even overslept…2 whole hours…rescheduled and went 3 hours later.

It was good energy to work with this day she said.

To be on the safe side I arrived 15 min too early and had to sit outside and wait.

From being a very closed person I have cracked. The right word and it takes 5 minutes to have me sit there in all my…let’s be civilized and call it…pain.

This time we talk about shame. The shame of being rejected. Of experience abandonment. The shame of knowing your parent is wrong and you are powerless to do anything about it.

We talk about truth. Betrayal. Distrust. The inner child. The pure innocence we all once were.

As I am suppose to offer comfort to this little girl I feel helpless, unworthy somehow. Who am I to comfort and protect her.

I don’t know if it is her not wanting to be hugged, or me being too uncomfortable to reach out, we silently agree to just sit beside each other. A feeling of complete overwhelm flows over through me. Am I really equipped to take care of her?

I see her innocence and the strength in her purity. It is admirable actually.

We hold hands.

To my surprise it gives me peace and support. All that I wished to give her she is giving me.

I am the weak one.

That is all that is needed – that hand holding me – and that old wise soul looking up at me.

It holds no doubt, no uncertainty – no shame.

Only love, joy and with a shy smile… happiness.

I breathe. I drive home. I fall asleep at my desk.

I wake up early without an alarm. There is a strange peace.

I survived staying in that feeling since my early childhood. The feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather kill myself…

I am saved by my own bell.

I am coming home.

301 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Evgeni Dinev at www.freedigitalphotos.net

40 years in the desert

I can’t help of wondering if Moses never had any doubts?..

I think that was what Moses did? Wandering around I assume until he found his promised land.

I can’t help of wondering if he never had any doubts? No one was ever upset with him? Wondering what he was doing? How did he handle that?

And the women what were they doing? Or thinking?

The persistence and the size of faith, that all must have required… so what are my comparably small little problems compared to all that?

Can I find the same strength as his to lead myself out of the suffering? This self-made prison our generation seem to have created around us.

Can I re-fine that set point in myself when I would wake up and get out of bed just for the fun of the day ahead of me? Re-connect with that joy and creativity?

Finding inner sparkle without sugar, caffeine, tobacco or whatever?

This is for me my real question – to trust in myself – in my faith in myself.

Like a small small light far away I can at least see it. No bonfire. But something small that is bright and shines. I know now my path is leading that way. That I eventually will emerge in it.

I can start healing by accepting myself. I don’t need to know anymore. I don’t need to control or protect or differentiate. Or maybe a little bit. The mother in me still wants to protect.

Maybe acceptance is protection? Having somebody’s back when they go out on the arena of life? Shielding anyone would be hindering them even going out there in the first place wouldn’t it?

OK, white flag to myself – both protection and tolerance includes some type separation between good and bad and puts myself in the middle being the ruler…undo.

Long day, but still here – 319 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Stoonn at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

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Happy Sunday!

Today, almost to the day, is the day when I decided that instead of stumbling through life that I would be still…

Good Morning and Happy Sunday!

Today, almost to the day, is the day when I decided that instead of stumbling through life that I would be still, feel what I was feeling, call things by their right word, use the word in the right way and re-learn life and di-tox my mind. Whatever that could possibly imply.

In my case this all took the form of some type of slow-motion falling. Or maybe it was everything else falling (you know how the mind can play tricks on you ;). And I am still in motion and still falling.

If you ever been into gymnastics or maybe sports of some sort you there is a moment when you know you are about to fall, when you can’t resist it, and you have to either keep at it and take a hard and painful hit – or – you simply give in, curl as a ball and simply role with it until you know you are of safe grounds again.

I did the further for about 40 years until my logic concluded that couldn’t be sanity. So I let myself fall…and keep on falling…and falling… The first seconds of freedom are amazing and you feel like you can conquer all and be on at this high forever. And then the insanity thoughts kick in and you ask yourself what you did – but then it is of course too late to turn back.

I am now in the landing phase. With stop marks, scratches and all. Painfully feeling the consequences of gravity and waiting for everything around me to finally be totally still. The breaks to finally stop crying after a long and too hard pull.

Recovering addicts talk about the year, the month even the day they started sobriety. In my words that would be fear-driven-life vs joy-driven-life. So today is my 1 year of joy-driven-life. (Wow felt really awkward saying that loud ;). Last year I devoted it to go back in time to find the sources of many things and to explore spirituality on my own terms. This year I will continue that discovery, but I will add writing. Writing fiction. Writing non-fiction. Writing about life, about joy and writing to release.

There is nothing special about my stories nor my life, however there is a process in healing and in sharing that I have come to learn as – if it can help just 1 other person then it will be well worth it and we will both know we are not alone in the world. I have found myself thirst for genuine support, sisterhood and deep friendship and to hear the voice of my tribe.

So this is my calling. My song. My whistle in the dark. Signalling to find our way home.

351 signals ahead 🙂