Supporting myself

Every day I manage to add something new to my schedule. I don’t know what I was doing before, but more and more is being done and I even have time over…

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Every day I manage to add something new to my schedule. I don’t know what I was doing before, but more and more is being done and I even have time over.

Yes, there are some things I still avoid, but I know I will get also there eventually and it is okay it is not today.

I made myself a little schedule and we do our best to keep it. Taking in to consideration;

  • I don’t concentrate well after 2 hours without a  break – preferably not sitting down.
  • I am at my best with 8 hours sleep.
  • I have a note pad to jot down ideas and thoughts for later when I am actually considering ideas and are not working.
  • I have a little list with an order of priority – in case I loose myself into something I shouldn’t.
  • I have scheduled time for time with my animals and kids.

And I have mapped out the next 3 steps work-wise and a vision where I am heading.

Because I suffered from being such a fixer i have to watch myself not to cut corners or do things on a whim. Nothing.

This is resetting life taking every step, not jumping a single one.

Ironically I learned to enjoy it. Some steps are painful and I have to really ground myself not to skip over them. Just stay in it and ask myself questions and surrender.

Surrender to the whole I-simply-got-it-wrong.

Step by step I will get things on the right track and if it takes time it doesn’t matter. I am doing it my own way now.

306 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Hywards at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

Do your own homework

You know what – I don’t want you to go out in the world and think that you are entitled. Do you know what entitled means? It means…

This week I focused on my new work. Completely dived into it and it starts to make sense.

What in the beginning felt like a possible failure or impossible obstacles are now things I just have to figure out and work around – and I do.

Then someone came by and knocked the door just to tell me they finally resolved my internet. Woohoo! I can’t really express the feeling when we have been without internet for so long… It is almost like you forget how smooth it is and how extremely spoiled we are are having it in the first place.

So I use the opportunity to look at a feelgood movie with my kids – Bad Moms with Mila Kunis and Christina Applegate.

I am not sure this movie is the definition of bad moms, but it is very relate-able for anyone who has or have had kids – the-please-all-other-parents-syndrome at school – attend every committee, PTA, bake sale you name i t. In other words the mom-trap that sends you straight to parent-hell with bad self confidence, more insecurities and I-am-never-enough nightmares.

A lot of standard Hollywood bla bla comedy and then suddenly this super scene where the kids in  the kitchen one morning waiting for breakfast and wonder where she is, followed by the son freaking out that no one done his science homework and she turns to him and says;

You know what – I don’t want you to go out in the world and think that you are entitled.  Do you know what entitled means? It means that you will expect other people to do things for you, but they don’t; me to do your homework, your teacher to give you high grades, your boss to give you a pay raise for no reason, your wife to do everything for you, your kids to be a lot of things that you have chosen – in other words a HORRIBLE person! And then you are going to get divorced, have a bad relationship with your kids etc etc. NOBODY has to do anything for you – and the sooner you start working on actually knowing and doing things for yourself the better life will be and you will not have all those problems – making sense? So you do your own homework from now on – and off she walks.

As part of a co-dependency scenario entitlement pops up more often than not in both directions. One who thinks that with what ever addiction or problem – since we now agreed it is a problem – they now think they are entitled to help to solved or help to “handle”it. Then again one always being agreeable, taking out all fires and smoothing and fixing at some point concludes , that being this nice, polite, helpful and so on I now have a right to get something in return – whatever I want and preferably right now… and so it goes on.

So I know this dance and I wish someone had told me exactly the same at that age, but more in the lines of; Entitlement means that you are going to think that your mum, because she has said and done stupid things when she has been drunk, owes you something. Anything really. And from time to time she is going to agree, because of guilt, and at other times – she won’t or can’t. And you know what will happen then? You will prove to yourself you are right – you are going to tell the world to look how bad she is to you – when you in all reality was wrong from the very beginning! She and the rest of the world owes you NOTHING, so get off that little butt of yours and get going! No one will do your life for you!

But no one gave me that speech… so I also have to do it now instead, but I am very proud of my small steps forward and mini successes!

307 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Stuart Miles at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

On the floor

It is late evening.
Nothing is going according to plan. The adrenaline is flowing to the level I can almost hear it in my ears.
I have nowhere to turn…

It is late evening.

Nothing is going according to plan. The adrenaline is flowing to the level I can almost hear it in my ears.

I have nowhere to turn. No one to call or to talk too.

I try to talk to one of my kids. She explicitly tells me she doesn’t feel good if I am cracking up – so she doesn’t want to talk to me.

I sink down on the floor. The dogs think we are finally going to play… I close my eyes and ask myself all those stupid questions you should not ask yourself. Why this and that and why that person…

Go to bed my daughter says. So I do. No washing up or changing. Just falling on to the bed like some drunk.

I wake up with a dog in my face and yesterday’s clothes still on.

I walk out the door. Life is apparently still going on without any difference.

I start to water plants and let animals out. My mind is blank like the surface of a lake.

My tea is ready and I go back in again. I change my chair. I sit down and turn the machines on again.

It looks like my webhost has some problem – my webmail is completely blank – I don’t even bother now. They have recovered it before by themselves and right now – even if I did lose my entire inbox I wouldn’t really care.

That inbox is somehow related to the person having this issues, so probably something wrong with it anyway.

I just sit and look at my screen. I can’t really be that alone can I? The thought goes round and round.

Let us play with the thought I am not. Then there is something I can work on with others here isn’t it? I open the laptop fully now. Type in a few things…

Hmmm maybe maybe in all the chaos I found my purpose…all wrapped up into one…

To be continued.

309 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Paisan191 at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

OK and not OK

Not OK is that I have stopped to tolerate just about anything…

Today things have been both OK and not OK.

I am slowly , but surely, sorting out all papers related to my mother’s death. One thing per week is the speed we go by, but it feels ok. I can acknowledge that I am moving forward without being totally over-whelmed. So that is ok.

Not OK is that I have stopped to tolerate just about anything, which I used to do with an addicted parent and so on. My chaos and mental pain tolerance used to be way above any normal and sane person. That said this in-tolerance could be seen as a good sign – however my kids complain – and in particular 1 of them.

Even though I know I am doing the right thing it it is hard sometimes. I am an adult. This is my home. She is also an adult – at least on the paper – and this is suppose to be on equal terms and not any you-owe-it-to-me-I-can-do-what-I-want-terms…the temporary turmoil does bring me down from time to time.

I don’t mind failing or being vulnerable, but I want to feel that when I am at home I am safe and I can have peace of mind – and quiet. My sub concious has been so over-worked around my mother in so many years it is like I have to retrain my brain , that I don’t have to have all sensors on, all the time, all days of the week anymore.

Last year about this time I did some fearless training. That was how I started actually. Learning yoga and about my own fears and how to re-train. Best is to do it 3 times they say – so maybe it is time to do it again. That is my tomorrow.

Now we sit here – she and I – writing with our computers and sharing a chocolate. Peace at last. For the moment. Maybe it is not only me who needs to find a new way home.

329 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Graphic Mouse at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Days of deep thinking

Are we this uncomfortable or untrained in talking about feelings?

At the moment my access to internet is not constant. What first may seem like a complete disaster has turned out to something quite good and actually helps me focus. I read, write, hang with the kids – and think.

On this discovery of understanding and finding of myself, as a complete being with feelings, it is some things that first confused me, that now is becoming clearer, but not entirely yet.
As much as I enjoy finding a “tribe” in fellow sensitive and seeking spirits I have also become painfully aware of a quite passive aggressive and undermining language used against me or “us” as a community.
If I express any other feelings than “I love this or that” or “you are amazing” I am referred to as a drama queen. And out of the many things you do could call me drama queen isn’t really it. [If something dramatic does happen I never soak, I never call anyone, I don’t intrigue – I am the type that rather back out, shut down and go very quiet…].
So to say I am sad or this is hard or I need help is actually quite difficult – so I am practising. Not in an accusing way, but more of a matter of fact – this is what I feel right now. With the kids is working quite well. We have an open conversation about it and have by now agreed not to accuse each other and if the other one just want to be alone or talk, to respect that. When I talk about it, so do they I have noticed. Everything is more open and we are getting to know each other more closely.
In the outside world it is quite the opposite. If you don’t answer fine to the 5-times-per-day-how-are-you you are weird or something slightly wrong with you. I always wondered why people ask in the first place when they are so not interested in the answer. [on that note I always also wondered how Italians know what you are talking about when the start to talk themselves before you finished…?].
Are we this uncomfortable or untrained in talking about feelings?
If someone tells me anything else but fine I usually feel relieved. It is like it gives me permission both to actually engage on a somewhat slightly deeper level with this person, as well as it allows me to express myself in a deeper way.
So I don’t get the drama queen stuff. Nor do I understand the empath down talk.
I am however going to try to find the golden middle way and come back to it in a later post.

342 signals to go.