So this is a little bit difficult to talk about.Maybe due to its tabu…

So this is a little bit difficult to talk about.

Maybe due to its tabu or the general lack of knowledge.

Normally when somebody says they are loosing their mind they refer to a feeling of confusion, extreme stress, contradictive information, lack of social frame work etc.

What I talk about is when it is actually lost – as in G-O-N-E.

I read somewhere that nowadays memory related diseases that was previously referred to as aging symptoms, has actually been found are a way the brain and the memory is freeing up space. Same as if you dump memory to free up space on a hard drive.

People also talk about the personally change that can happen.

So this is my experience of this – in my own words:

  1. You don’t feel the same. It is not something tangible, just that 1% feeling of not taking things in 100% the same way like you normally do.

  2. You spontanious may react stronger to things than what you “normally” would. Be a bit harsher, shorter patience etc.

  3. You may wonder why you feel quite tired all the time or need an extra nap to keep up.

  4. It seems to peak out of the blue when normal things like recognising a person comes up blank, remember a location or how to get there even if you been there a million times before and so on.

  5. Things that used to be easy to learn new; text, speeches, new people’s name suddenly becomes an obstacle or something you have to put an effort to master. Reading can seem to be like looking at a blank paper etc.

So are you something or someone else? NO. You are still yourself and your emotional experience is still the same. In my case I lived extremely long under high stress – read more than 35 years – and then it peaked due to particular events such as separations, custody trial, several close deaths in the family etc under a relatively short period of 3 years – I simply started to blank out.

People around you may think this is when you are not agreeable – that IS NOT the case – no matter how convenient that would be. Logic thinking is still there – and usually what saves what could otherwise be uncomfortable moments – you try to quickly replace a situation to a previous occasion and back track it from there.

Something or someone just isn’t there at all – for a short period of time – and if you just take a moment it usually comes back or, like in the case of location, you have to trust your subconscious to do the driving, which it normally does most of the time anyway.

To me occasions like this I now use as a thermostat of my subconscious stress levels. To begin with – during the whole 35 years there are only a few times I would have referred to myself as stressed – I didn’t even really had a real meaning for the word before I had to define it.

It is the same as if I stumble in the stairs and hurt my ankle. I know I have to take it a bit easy a couple of days, sit still, keep the foot high, cool it etc. For the brain it is the same thing; feeling safe, eat well, sleep every time I feel I need to and as long as I spontaneously can, do things that empowers me and makes me feel good – this is not the days to take on big conflicts or solving the world’s problems.

Ok that’s me – for today.

334 signals to go. Still being sane.

Image courtesy of Idea go at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Planting intentions like tomatos

If someone asks me what I do for a living or what I am good at – gardening would not be …

If someone asks me what I do for a living or what I am good at – gardening would not be one of the things I would be telling about.

In my lack of patience, waiting for my work actions to pay off, I desperately decided to plant some tomatos. In my lack of knowledge I figured in nature they would just rut, fall to the ground, and somehow dig themselves down and start to grow when the rain came…

So I emptied a tomato just as it was, had some earth over it on a plate and some water – and be hold less than a week later I now have a dussin small tomato plants!

About the same day I was woken up at 6am by an overseas potential client I worked to get several weeks if not months before, just to decide I would put it on hold until October. She just “happen to think about me” in the middle of the night…

Another contract I worked on almost – 4 years(!) – suddenly popped up a few hours after that.

And now I have even received emails regarding help with a new start up NGO for animals I am planning – people I even forgotten I tried to connect or contacted – that was how long time ago the contact was initiated.

Just like my tomato adventure.

Trust universe I assume some would say.

Or Let go and let God.

Hmm…can’t help but concluding that there must be some truth there.

How much I haven’t tried to pull off by myself…

Tiny light in the tunnel guiding me home.

336 signal to go.

Image courtesy of Suat Eman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net