The shadow of shame

…the feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather …

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3 weeks since I last  went for my healing combined therapy.

It wasn’t suppose to be this long, but life came in between. Relatives visiting and those type of things. Even now I even overslept…2 whole hours…rescheduled and went 3 hours later.

It was good energy to work with this day she said.

To be on the safe side I arrived 15 min too early and had to sit outside and wait.

From being a very closed person I have cracked. The right word and it takes 5 minutes to have me sit there in all my…let’s be civilized and call it…pain.

This time we talk about shame. The shame of being rejected. Of experience abandonment. The shame of knowing your parent is wrong and you are powerless to do anything about it.

We talk about truth. Betrayal. Distrust. The inner child. The pure innocence we all once were.

As I am suppose to offer comfort to this little girl I feel helpless, unworthy somehow. Who am I to comfort and protect her.

I don’t know if it is her not wanting to be hugged, or me being too uncomfortable to reach out, we silently agree to just sit beside each other. A feeling of complete overwhelm flows over through me. Am I really equipped to take care of her?

I see her innocence and the strength in her purity. It is admirable actually.

We hold hands.

To my surprise it gives me peace and support. All that I wished to give her she is giving me.

I am the weak one.

That is all that is needed – that hand holding me – and that old wise soul looking up at me.

It holds no doubt, no uncertainty – no shame.

Only love, joy and with a shy smile… happiness.

I breathe. I drive home. I fall asleep at my desk.

I wake up early without an alarm. There is a strange peace.

I survived staying in that feeling since my early childhood. The feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather kill myself…

I am saved by my own bell.

I am coming home.

301 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Evgeni Dinev at www.freedigitalphotos.net

From deep blame to blessing

All self-help-talk in the world, life does happen – all by itself – sometimes.

Bad things.Seemingly bad things.Things that shape us.

It causes pain, turmoil and an instant feeling of unfairness…

All self-help-talk in the world, life does happen – all by itself – sometimes.

Bad things.Seemingly bad things.Things that shape us.

It causes pain, turmoil and an instant feeling of unfairness.

Why me? Why not her? Why does it have to be me all the time?

Well, obviously me is the only person who I know to the extent I could even say that. Or feel that.

And then there is that story. The story about what happened. How we portray it, how we paint it, how we summarize it, how we identify with it – and how we keep telling it again and again, so even if it wasn’t true to begin with – by now it is, because by now it is the only version we memorized, so we know it by heart.

We justify this story with the r-e-a-l facts. Those that can’t be questioned. We are not that type of person are we – we don’t lie, tweak or leave out anything – these are facts!

So we tell ourselves and everybody else anyway.

Now this story, however, has become like a chain we tied ourselves to and we don’t seem to be able to move on or release ourselves from it.

Painfully I am discovering and looking closer at these family stories.

My mother used to complain no one was around really during her growing up. Sure she got an expensive education, but no one never really taught her anything, or at least she considered it, that she didn’t knew anything really properly, having no professional diploma of any kind.

I think no one never taught her how to handle emotions and life – hence numbing it all off with alcohol and pills seemed quite logical.

Obviously I can list hundreds of “facts”, that will justify my pity song of growing up with one single parent who was addicted – however – would her “view”of life really supported me if I took it on? Her way of living catapulted me to over-drive, but it also gave me an incredible creative freedom (no one ever bothered me…) and an undisturbed reliance and trust in myself. Yes, again and again I surround myself with people who wish to take me down – but – deep down that is still my core believe – I can do anything. If she hadn’t been in her comas that wouldn’t have been the case.

It is a blessing.

I was free – and now – I can choose.

Choose to empower and not victimize.

Going home. 303 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Maciej Secowski at www.dreamstime.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

When my soul is black and blue

You throw your issues at me.

Like a gazillion sharp arrows they hit me.

Nails me to your cause…

You throw your issues at me.

Like a gazillion sharp arrows they hit me.

Nails me to your cause.

Stuck you keep me there; it is all your issues, your life, everyone ever done something bad towards you, ignored you or neglected you.

You curse, you swear, you pant and are at me again.

I can barely breath. Your hatred hits me in the stomach and I am out of breathe.

Getting up I try to not disturb you. I draw in the sand.

This is the line, I point at the drawing, that separates you from me.

You do not walkover that line – ever – again.

Walk away it sings in my head as I walk away.

What is it you want I ask myself. If you can’t get what you want, then what is it?

My life? My sanity? What is it that you want from me that you think will heal whatever is broken in you?

I turn and look at the line on a distance. Is it yours or mine?

Did I let myself be pulled over into a territory that was not mine?

I tremble.

I stumble.

I fall.

For f*** sake just leave me alone…I mumble to myself.

I try to get up, but it is hard.

Every arrow has left me a bruise. Black and blue I am.

I don’t cry, but I have no strength anymore.

I look, I prepare, I aim.

I hit you just beside your heart. You look surprised. Didn’t thought I had it in me did you?

We both know I will let you live, but we both also know – this is real.

The pretense is over.

My soul is soar.

My soul is black and blue.

I am going home.

304 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Dariusz Sas at www.dreamstime.com

 

A 1 year challenge

There is a time in life when we draw a line in the sand.

When we leave without ever turning back.

When we emerge ourselves into something with an energy beyond anything we ever focused on before.

There is a time in life when we draw a line in the sand.

When we leave without ever turning back.

When we emerge ourselves into something with an energy beyond anything we ever focused on before.

My line in  the sand came when I was 42 years old and within a time frame of 4 years I lost my father, I was witness to something criminal, I had a child coming back to live with me (without any financial help at all), my spouse was put in isolation – in a foreign country – due to life threatening virus, another child being bullied, business partners and certain staff trying everything from taking advantage to steel or plainly assuming I would pick up the bill for any mistake possible, being diagnosed with 4th grade cancer and medical burnout, taking care of my cancer sick addictive mother in her home… all culminating in my mother’s death, a severely damaged business-out of control -I was barely working in(aka no active income) yet legally responsible for, a badly collapsed relationship and a complete physical and mental exhaustion… so I draw a line. The line.

____________________________________________________

And I said yes to myself and no to most things going on – and intentionally I let it all, or most of it, collapse.

I started the journey of re-starting myself financially, re-defining myself personally, re-covering physically, re-structure my work and my relationships.

This is my journey now.

Part of it is that I am a writer and in specific a story teller. It is one of my core skills and ways I always have expressed myself. Both professionally and privately. So to start it off by a commitment to myself, to write every day, about this journey felt like the logical start.

This is MY 1 YEAR CHALLENGE.

So why am I putting this here and even telling people about the back-ground? Because I don’t think I am alone. My story may have different details, but the general issues are common to anyone having a life crisis – or having one, but not knowing how to deal with it, or having one and trying to ignore it.

And it gives a structure to an otherwise shapeless existence.

And it gives a sense of togetherness and new friendships.

In reality all things happen simultaneously. And it is only in an ideal world we can push pause on all other areas in our lives and then later push play again and things go back exactly as they were. They don’t. They never do.

In reality we have to grieve one person and parent another at the same time.

In the real world we have to deal with our physical shortcomings and go to work at the same time.

In the real world we have to save ourselves at the same time as we are helping everybody else.

So for 1 year I will be sharing this on this blog – my 365 signals finding my new home within myself.

If you are someone who also is on a quest for some sort of change and would like to share or connect or just follow – I am happy to support and follow you back. Maybe you have already assigned yourself some similar type of challenge? Please let me know in the comment box, email me or connect on social media.

Let us be strong together.

M.

PS. I am looking for other people who has given themselves or finished self-proclaimed challenges, similar like this – maybe another topic, another format or another time frame – for an article. If it is you or you know of anyone pls message me 🙂 DS

318 signals to go.

IMAGE COURTESY TO ETAPHOP AT WWW.FREEDIGITALPHOTOS.NET

Breathe, woman, breathe!

My daughter looks at me seriously and says I am over working it. Again. She is very wise. Always has been…

Today is still a day in waiting.

Responses. Feedback. Agreements and activations.

It is like hearing the thunder on a distance and holding your breath while you wait for the sky to open up and the rain finally come.

It is painfully slow. Never have I been so aware how much I have always depended on my own doings and actions. I don’t trust anything or anyone really by the look of it. Now I have to let other people in. Let them be part of my life. Do their part and trust it is all for the overall good of everybody.

I catch myself not breathing at all or holding my breathe simply forgetting about it.

It is annoying how bad I am at just letting go and let it be.

Breathe, woman, breathe!

I get a glimpse of clarity and then I fall back in the slowness of things again. That is what it feels like anyway. My daughter looks at me seriously and says I am over working it. Again. She is very wise. Always has been. To change her tempo for anyone else has never been her thing.

So let’s focus on the clarity. When I listen and follow my own inner flow scheduling is totally useless. I can’t schedule it at all and it is simply disturbing when I have to stop because of some outer expectation pressing.

I can see every step I need to take and how they add up to the path I am led to take. I am in creativity heaven…and then I need to ground myself again and again.

Earthly commitments and responsibilities.

I like grounding but I don’t like how we so easily attack each other to make things happen faster, better, or our way…we simply attempt to change other people’s paths too much.

Hmm. Need to digest that some more.

Now breathe. In and out and in again.

339 little signals to light. On my way.

Image courtesy of Christian Meyn at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

 

How do you know that you are on the right path?

So how do you know that you are on the right path, when everything and everybody (!) is telling you the opposite?

Deep breath.

Getting out of my head space and into the body.

Being grounded right here , in the life, right now.

So I am giving myself permission to give and for now I don’t have any better tool than this.

Deep breath.

So how do you know that you are on the right path, when everything and everybody (!) is telling you the opposite?

  • My heart is at peace (which drives some even more insane..)
  • I fall asleep easily and I have vivid dreams (don’t always know what they mean, but I can recall parts…).
  • Children and animals understand me instantly (no need for confusing explanations and arguments).
  • Knowledge and understanding comes with ease (even when I don’t know why or from where).
  • There is a constant dialogue with all types of higher forms and the signs are seen and considered (no missed opportunities, delayed conversations and wondering what to do next).
  • Giving or sharing (even to a stranger)comes without thinking.

This list can go on and be even deeper.

What I thought was “wrong with me” is actually my genuinely real talent and gift. And I can use it and act from it in many many forms.

To come away from linard conclusions, preempted knowledge, win whatever strategies – this is more about expending in the (3 dimensional) being.

A misused purpose that may have actually harmed rather than lifted, taken out of its context and denying its source and roots.

Rewired brain waves and revived heart energy.

For today let’s just finish there. Letting it sink in and know it is more to come.

347 signal to go.

Image courtesy of ntwowe at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

 

 

Happy Sunday!

Today, almost to the day, is the day when I decided that instead of stumbling through life that I would be still…

Good Morning and Happy Sunday!

Today, almost to the day, is the day when I decided that instead of stumbling through life that I would be still, feel what I was feeling, call things by their right word, use the word in the right way and re-learn life and di-tox my mind. Whatever that could possibly imply.

In my case this all took the form of some type of slow-motion falling. Or maybe it was everything else falling (you know how the mind can play tricks on you ;). And I am still in motion and still falling.

If you ever been into gymnastics or maybe sports of some sort you there is a moment when you know you are about to fall, when you can’t resist it, and you have to either keep at it and take a hard and painful hit – or – you simply give in, curl as a ball and simply role with it until you know you are of safe grounds again.

I did the further for about 40 years until my logic concluded that couldn’t be sanity. So I let myself fall…and keep on falling…and falling… The first seconds of freedom are amazing and you feel like you can conquer all and be on at this high forever. And then the insanity thoughts kick in and you ask yourself what you did – but then it is of course too late to turn back.

I am now in the landing phase. With stop marks, scratches and all. Painfully feeling the consequences of gravity and waiting for everything around me to finally be totally still. The breaks to finally stop crying after a long and too hard pull.

Recovering addicts talk about the year, the month even the day they started sobriety. In my words that would be fear-driven-life vs joy-driven-life. So today is my 1 year of joy-driven-life. (Wow felt really awkward saying that loud ;). Last year I devoted it to go back in time to find the sources of many things and to explore spirituality on my own terms. This year I will continue that discovery, but I will add writing. Writing fiction. Writing non-fiction. Writing about life, about joy and writing to release.

There is nothing special about my stories nor my life, however there is a process in healing and in sharing that I have come to learn as – if it can help just 1 other person then it will be well worth it and we will both know we are not alone in the world. I have found myself thirst for genuine support, sisterhood and deep friendship and to hear the voice of my tribe.

So this is my calling. My song. My whistle in the dark. Signalling to find our way home.

351 signals ahead 🙂