Knowing what to do

I look at myself and I am amazed over the difference purpose and a sense of control can have on a persons sanity?

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I look at myself and I am amazed over the difference purpose and a sense of control can have on a persons sanity?

For me it is clearly very tightly linked. I open up my computer and I have 4 new assignments from one of the agencies I work for. Go to work! Get done!

And suddenly I am all calm again. Even take breaks to do things outdoors and yet get more done then when I am “free”all day. This to have a task to fulfill and a role to play every day seems very important to us.

I know the nature cultures operate like this – it is the groups responsibility to find the task each one of best suited for to do. Why did we drop this tradition? Imagine if we as a community attended every citizen like this…but no… we are all about the money or no that is not right either…we are all about the profit. What we can possibly gain for doing anything for anyone.

Doing things just because they are the-right-thing-to-do seems like some old line from a long forgotten movie by now. It is like I am an alien when I try. there must be something wrong with me unless i don’t try to take advantage of something or someone – OR – I must have a conspiracy plan so big they cant even picture it…. Lovely isn’t it.

Many times I have been torn about however intentions are a good or bad thing or just a lame excuse for not getting there. When I am in my peace I go for the further, because most of the time, even when someone supposedly “fail”me they did try. The times I met people who intentionally plan – plan is an important factor here – to hurt me is extremely rare.

Back to my daily shores now.

308 signals to go. Knowing what to do.

Image courtesy to Bugtiger at www.freedigitalphotos.net

On the floor

It is late evening.
Nothing is going according to plan. The adrenaline is flowing to the level I can almost hear it in my ears.
I have nowhere to turn…

It is late evening.

Nothing is going according to plan. The adrenaline is flowing to the level I can almost hear it in my ears.

I have nowhere to turn. No one to call or to talk too.

I try to talk to one of my kids. She explicitly tells me she doesn’t feel good if I am cracking up – so she doesn’t want to talk to me.

I sink down on the floor. The dogs think we are finally going to play… I close my eyes and ask myself all those stupid questions you should not ask yourself. Why this and that and why that person…

Go to bed my daughter says. So I do. No washing up or changing. Just falling on to the bed like some drunk.

I wake up with a dog in my face and yesterday’s clothes still on.

I walk out the door. Life is apparently still going on without any difference.

I start to water plants and let animals out. My mind is blank like the surface of a lake.

My tea is ready and I go back in again. I change my chair. I sit down and turn the machines on again.

It looks like my webhost has some problem – my webmail is completely blank – I don’t even bother now. They have recovered it before by themselves and right now – even if I did lose my entire inbox I wouldn’t really care.

That inbox is somehow related to the person having this issues, so probably something wrong with it anyway.

I just sit and look at my screen. I can’t really be that alone can I? The thought goes round and round.

Let us play with the thought I am not. Then there is something I can work on with others here isn’t it? I open the laptop fully now. Type in a few things…

Hmmm maybe maybe in all the chaos I found my purpose…all wrapped up into one…

To be continued.

309 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Paisan191 at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

A possible miracle in the bag

…unravel some type of relationship to a book…

This is my first read of A Course In Miracles and I am about half way through the text- and the student book.

I have read quite a lot in my life, but what I like the best with ACIM is its way to somehow always be, just that one step ahead of you.

I say to myself I must be crazy or lost or confused and the next time I open the book it tells me exactly the same and what to do about it.

As much as it is a great experience to unravel some type of relationship to a book (if you can have that?) it also grounds me in the facts that we must all be so much more the same than I can ever imagine.

Something else it has established is that – before – when I used to be talking quite badly to myself for not doing this or that, or not keeping up  or not be as far ahead as I “planned”/”wanted”to – I am exactly where I am suppose to be – otherwise the book’s answer wouldn’t be so exact.

Often I leave the book open with the lesson I am on on my working desk – both as a gentle reminder, but also as a companion somehow. In the lack of other fellow ACIM people in my nearest circle the book itself has had to take on that role.

Days when I seem to be waking up running and never sitting down it happens I get as far as in the car, just to go back in again to pick it up and put it in my bag. Then it sits beside me on internet cafes, waiting rooms, waiting in traffic and so on.

I may never open it and just be checking in on it. You are ok down there? No pages squeezed? You could say there is some type of bonding with the possibility of a miracle, even when I have taken my hands off the hows, whens and wheres.

And so the day goes.

A little miracle is always possible.

337 signals coming home.

 

 

 

Revise plan

Something does have to be done now.I have to live this life as I mean it…

So it says on my weekly to do/goal if I don’t reach certain goals.

I have now lived through a couple of partly horrible days when that occurred.

So revised action is required.

About 12 years ago I set out on a journey – that at the time was just a personal little issue – to be a single mother AND be none dependant on the government for benefits or anything else for that matter.

Little did I know that it would become a battle of a lifetime and a quest that from time to time spans from having the right to say or do certain things to big social or economic issues.

Personal freedom runs very deep with me. Not so much due to anyone trying to suppress me, but simply because it is an urge that is very strong and very deep. Like eating, sleep, creativity or sex – the right to be the truest version of oneself.

I used to go about as if this was about external permissions and regulations – being liberal; pro globalisation, pro minority groups, animal rights etc.

I now realized that the biggest with all of it is myself. I am the judge, the victim, the crusader and the rebel all at the same time.

I thought it was about me not feeling so lost in the world, just to wake up to a madness, that is so screwed it becomes about plain survival practically, emotionally, socially and financially.

Being an observer, a creative, a deeply connected person this is not going to be easy – but it the only way I have. Every day I don’t remember why I taken this path. Lead when it would be so much easier to follow. Maybe it is the notion that whatever has to happen has to happen fast – something has to be done right now. And maybe it isn’t just about me, but about all of us.

Something does have to be done now.

I have to live this life as I mean it…

338 signal to go. Finding my way.

Image courtesy of surasakiStock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net