Supporting myself

Every day I manage to add something new to my schedule. I don’t know what I was doing before, but more and more is being done and I even have time over…

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Every day I manage to add something new to my schedule. I don’t know what I was doing before, but more and more is being done and I even have time over.

Yes, there are some things I still avoid, but I know I will get also there eventually and it is okay it is not today.

I made myself a little schedule and we do our best to keep it. Taking in to consideration;

  • I don’t concentrate well after 2 hours without a  break – preferably not sitting down.
  • I am at my best with 8 hours sleep.
  • I have a note pad to jot down ideas and thoughts for later when I am actually considering ideas and are not working.
  • I have a little list with an order of priority – in case I loose myself into something I shouldn’t.
  • I have scheduled time for time with my animals and kids.

And I have mapped out the next 3 steps work-wise and a vision where I am heading.

Because I suffered from being such a fixer i have to watch myself not to cut corners or do things on a whim. Nothing.

This is resetting life taking every step, not jumping a single one.

Ironically I learned to enjoy it. Some steps are painful and I have to really ground myself not to skip over them. Just stay in it and ask myself questions and surrender.

Surrender to the whole I-simply-got-it-wrong.

Step by step I will get things on the right track and if it takes time it doesn’t matter. I am doing it my own way now.

306 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Hywards at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

Meltdowns and clarity

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

To not be the play along girl any more has a price.

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were  – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

In two seconds I could conclude everything I had really worried about has or is happening right now – being judged, not belong, chaos financially being between 2 systems and handling 1 dead person’s, loose face, loose a relationship – don’t think I need to go on. You got the picture.

So technically I can just F*** it and do it any way.

For the first time in my life I told someone I felt bullied.

Despite the complete shock of the other person, who clearly just thought they could do what they were doing without thinking, it was a big step for myself – both being vulnerable – but also to actually call something with its correct word.

Where I grew up you could not raise your voice, object or in any other way misbehave. Thinking about it now I was askling myself how that rule was put into play since I never heard or saw anyone object. Was that also bullying? Some type of silent threats or simply ignoring you to the point you didn’t exist unless you changed your attitude? I mean where is the borderline where you no longer correct or lead something, but is actually breaking something down? The classical tactics to undermine women without saying it loud.

I know both my grandma and my mother had regrets about this, but still they never broke the pattern. When I started school at 7 I had already stress symptoms on both teeth and eyes. At 23 my hair went white from one day to another. I remember the doctor telling me to spend more time in the stables…being a rider herself that was the best she could come up with.

My mother clearly suffered from this. My grandma I don’t know. I was so outside myself by the time I lived with her I must have been like a drilled puppy. My mother raged and threw porcelain, while I ducked and cried in silence.

So today I had my meltdown and my clarity. I still hate meltdowns though. Even when the air is cleared and things are fine. It is like loving new rain, but be scared of the thunder – you can’t have one without the other.

Maybe that’s it – as rodeo rider’s count their falling offs, the sales person his nos until the yes – maybe I should count my meltdowns and celebrate them as representing that I am one step closer to my new reality?

Today I will sleep well.

328 signals to go home.

LOOSING THE MIND

So this is a little bit difficult to talk about.Maybe due to its tabu…

So this is a little bit difficult to talk about.

Maybe due to its tabu or the general lack of knowledge.

Normally when somebody says they are loosing their mind they refer to a feeling of confusion, extreme stress, contradictive information, lack of social frame work etc.

What I talk about is when it is actually lost – as in G-O-N-E.

I read somewhere that nowadays memory related diseases that was previously referred to as aging symptoms, has actually been found are a way the brain and the memory is freeing up space. Same as if you dump memory to free up space on a hard drive.

People also talk about the personally change that can happen.

So this is my experience of this – in my own words:

  1. You don’t feel the same. It is not something tangible, just that 1% feeling of not taking things in 100% the same way like you normally do.

  2. You spontanious may react stronger to things than what you “normally” would. Be a bit harsher, shorter patience etc.

  3. You may wonder why you feel quite tired all the time or need an extra nap to keep up.

  4. It seems to peak out of the blue when normal things like recognising a person comes up blank, remember a location or how to get there even if you been there a million times before and so on.

  5. Things that used to be easy to learn new; text, speeches, new people’s name suddenly becomes an obstacle or something you have to put an effort to master. Reading can seem to be like looking at a blank paper etc.

So are you something or someone else? NO. You are still yourself and your emotional experience is still the same. In my case I lived extremely long under high stress – read more than 35 years – and then it peaked due to particular events such as separations, custody trial, several close deaths in the family etc under a relatively short period of 3 years – I simply started to blank out.

People around you may think this is when you are not agreeable – that IS NOT the case – no matter how convenient that would be. Logic thinking is still there – and usually what saves what could otherwise be uncomfortable moments – you try to quickly replace a situation to a previous occasion and back track it from there.

Something or someone just isn’t there at all – for a short period of time – and if you just take a moment it usually comes back or, like in the case of location, you have to trust your subconscious to do the driving, which it normally does most of the time anyway.

To me occasions like this I now use as a thermostat of my subconscious stress levels. To begin with – during the whole 35 years there are only a few times I would have referred to myself as stressed – I didn’t even really had a real meaning for the word before I had to define it.

It is the same as if I stumble in the stairs and hurt my ankle. I know I have to take it a bit easy a couple of days, sit still, keep the foot high, cool it etc. For the brain it is the same thing; feeling safe, eat well, sleep every time I feel I need to and as long as I spontaneously can, do things that empowers me and makes me feel good – this is not the days to take on big conflicts or solving the world’s problems.

Ok that’s me – for today.

334 signals to go. Still being sane.

Image courtesy of Idea go at FreeDigitalPhotos.net