Meltdowns and clarity

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

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To not be the play along girl any more has a price.

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were  – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

In two seconds I could conclude everything I had really worried about has or is happening right now – being judged, not belong, chaos financially being between 2 systems and handling 1 dead person’s, loose face, loose a relationship – don’t think I need to go on. You got the picture.

So technically I can just F*** it and do it any way.

For the first time in my life I told someone I felt bullied.

Despite the complete shock of the other person, who clearly just thought they could do what they were doing without thinking, it was a big step for myself – both being vulnerable – but also to actually call something with its correct word.

Where I grew up you could not raise your voice, object or in any other way misbehave. Thinking about it now I was askling myself how that rule was put into play since I never heard or saw anyone object. Was that also bullying? Some type of silent threats or simply ignoring you to the point you didn’t exist unless you changed your attitude? I mean where is the borderline where you no longer correct or lead something, but is actually breaking something down? The classical tactics to undermine women without saying it loud.

I know both my grandma and my mother had regrets about this, but still they never broke the pattern. When I started school at 7 I had already stress symptoms on both teeth and eyes. At 23 my hair went white from one day to another. I remember the doctor telling me to spend more time in the stables…being a rider herself that was the best she could come up with.

My mother clearly suffered from this. My grandma I don’t know. I was so outside myself by the time I lived with her I must have been like a drilled puppy. My mother raged and threw porcelain, while I ducked and cried in silence.

So today I had my meltdown and my clarity. I still hate meltdowns though. Even when the air is cleared and things are fine. It is like loving new rain, but be scared of the thunder – you can’t have one without the other.

Maybe that’s it – as rodeo rider’s count their falling offs, the sales person his nos until the yes – maybe I should count my meltdowns and celebrate them as representing that I am one step closer to my new reality?

Today I will sleep well.

328 signals to go home.

From anger at self to moving forward

I assume when you come to the point, when everything goes the wrong way, when you actually think twice before starting the blame game, or…

I assume when you come to the point, when everything goes the wrong way, when you actually think twice before starting the blame game, or simply screaming on children, or on the dog – it is a step in the right direction right?

Yet I still have to bite my tongue, but the thought is now faster than the reaction, so I tell myself that is part of the process, and sometime in the future the thought will be gone and I won’t even notice it left – wishful thinking but still. It gives me courage to try again and not give up hope.

So this is surrender – and it drives me insane how frustratingly slow it is. Or how slow I am apparently.

Half the time I feel paralyzed to do anything or overwhelmed just by getting through the daily commitments. In my case my body reacts to stress with a severe desire to sleep and migraine. That is probably the worse combination for anyone – what else would make you stop… – who has been hyper active most of her life and always had at least 10 things in the making at the same time.

Doing my home-work I have now also learned that as a person with a high sensitivity system (HSP) I apparently experience more stress than average, because simply I take in more impressions (and here I thought my whole life this was just a sign of growing up with an addictive person). Now I also know that an over stimulated body and mind, which exist with or under long periods of abnormal stress, eventually can’t take anymore, and to recover you need ca 10h sleep per day plus 2 short naps – or you end up dead – either by some accident you get yourself into – or simply doesn’t wake up one morning.

So the going forward is taking a complete different form than what I had ever thought. So I go by the hour. One at a time. One hour that always starts by asking for strength managing just one more. Keeping calm. Listening. Observing. Doing my little things, I planned before hand and be so present that whatever happens it will be ok.

Doing this – or going through it as some may choose to say – while having children is not entirely easy. The fact that someone depends on you and all you can come up with is “I have to sleep now” is not as encouraging as one would want it to be. On the good side I have now been told “I did that gratitude thing by myself today when I was out” [every evening before we go to sleep we say out loud together the things we been grateful for that day] and now I am very grateful also for this – she got it!

Upwards and onwards. We are on the way. 349 signals to go.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net