The shadow of shame

…the feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather …

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3 weeks since I last  went for my healing combined therapy.

It wasn’t suppose to be this long, but life came in between. Relatives visiting and those type of things. Even now I even overslept…2 whole hours…rescheduled and went 3 hours later.

It was good energy to work with this day she said.

To be on the safe side I arrived 15 min too early and had to sit outside and wait.

From being a very closed person I have cracked. The right word and it takes 5 minutes to have me sit there in all my…let’s be civilized and call it…pain.

This time we talk about shame. The shame of being rejected. Of experience abandonment. The shame of knowing your parent is wrong and you are powerless to do anything about it.

We talk about truth. Betrayal. Distrust. The inner child. The pure innocence we all once were.

As I am suppose to offer comfort to this little girl I feel helpless, unworthy somehow. Who am I to comfort and protect her.

I don’t know if it is her not wanting to be hugged, or me being too uncomfortable to reach out, we silently agree to just sit beside each other. A feeling of complete overwhelm flows over through me. Am I really equipped to take care of her?

I see her innocence and the strength in her purity. It is admirable actually.

We hold hands.

To my surprise it gives me peace and support. All that I wished to give her she is giving me.

I am the weak one.

That is all that is needed – that hand holding me – and that old wise soul looking up at me.

It holds no doubt, no uncertainty – no shame.

Only love, joy and with a shy smile… happiness.

I breathe. I drive home. I fall asleep at my desk.

I wake up early without an alarm. There is a strange peace.

I survived staying in that feeling since my early childhood. The feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather kill myself…

I am saved by my own bell.

I am coming home.

301 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Evgeni Dinev at www.freedigitalphotos.net

How are you surviving today?

The dark disguised in bright shiny colours blinding us…

On this quest to find myself my home within, I am more and more often coming across and ponder on the dark side.

The dark disguised in bright shiny colours blinding us with its promises.

In my culture it used to be symbolised by fancy sexy women with long hair, that when you could see their backs, it was like rutten trees with big holes and white worms crawling around predicting the walking of death.

So – I am exploring the backside of truth and of vulnerability, creativity, passion – when it has gone haywire.

My first stop is numbness.

According to statistics we have never shut down and tried to numb ourselves so much ever before. It is food, medication, drugs, debt, gambling, internet, sex etc etc – and etc. Long list. Very long list.

So long it makes me wonder – taken everyone at any moment is saying or doing what they think is best for that very specific moment – and we run away – collectively – to this extent – it must mean:

a) we are not so insensitive as we think of each other nor about ourselves?

b) how we live and how we relate to each other and our biological environment must be considerably off target?

Maybe we are all just trying to survive and when we run out of tools we just go back to something, which we for whatever reason references as comfort, something we think we have control over.

There is also proven, that for each generation we have become more and more sensitive. Our biological senses are overworked and indirectly saying the no we can’t get ourselves to say out loud.

Many children, when kicking back, are judged horribly and given all sorts of acronyms. Maybe it is the other way around?

Is it our bodies, with increased heart diseases, all sorts of cancers, allergies, over sensitivity – screaming the best it can?

We have all run enough now. We simply can’t take another step any more. We have to deal with ourselves in another way.

No flee. No freeze. No fight.Now what?

With this I go to bed tonight.

323 signals to go. Good night.

Image courtesy to Feelart at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

 

Meltdowns and clarity

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

To not be the play along girl any more has a price.

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were  – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

In two seconds I could conclude everything I had really worried about has or is happening right now – being judged, not belong, chaos financially being between 2 systems and handling 1 dead person’s, loose face, loose a relationship – don’t think I need to go on. You got the picture.

So technically I can just F*** it and do it any way.

For the first time in my life I told someone I felt bullied.

Despite the complete shock of the other person, who clearly just thought they could do what they were doing without thinking, it was a big step for myself – both being vulnerable – but also to actually call something with its correct word.

Where I grew up you could not raise your voice, object or in any other way misbehave. Thinking about it now I was askling myself how that rule was put into play since I never heard or saw anyone object. Was that also bullying? Some type of silent threats or simply ignoring you to the point you didn’t exist unless you changed your attitude? I mean where is the borderline where you no longer correct or lead something, but is actually breaking something down? The classical tactics to undermine women without saying it loud.

I know both my grandma and my mother had regrets about this, but still they never broke the pattern. When I started school at 7 I had already stress symptoms on both teeth and eyes. At 23 my hair went white from one day to another. I remember the doctor telling me to spend more time in the stables…being a rider herself that was the best she could come up with.

My mother clearly suffered from this. My grandma I don’t know. I was so outside myself by the time I lived with her I must have been like a drilled puppy. My mother raged and threw porcelain, while I ducked and cried in silence.

So today I had my meltdown and my clarity. I still hate meltdowns though. Even when the air is cleared and things are fine. It is like loving new rain, but be scared of the thunder – you can’t have one without the other.

Maybe that’s it – as rodeo rider’s count their falling offs, the sales person his nos until the yes – maybe I should count my meltdowns and celebrate them as representing that I am one step closer to my new reality?

Today I will sleep well.

328 signals to go home.

Planting intentions like tomatos

If someone asks me what I do for a living or what I am good at – gardening would not be …

If someone asks me what I do for a living or what I am good at – gardening would not be one of the things I would be telling about.

In my lack of patience, waiting for my work actions to pay off, I desperately decided to plant some tomatos. In my lack of knowledge I figured in nature they would just rut, fall to the ground, and somehow dig themselves down and start to grow when the rain came…

So I emptied a tomato just as it was, had some earth over it on a plate and some water – and be hold less than a week later I now have a dussin small tomato plants!

About the same day I was woken up at 6am by an overseas potential client I worked to get several weeks if not months before, just to decide I would put it on hold until October. She just “happen to think about me” in the middle of the night…

Another contract I worked on almost – 4 years(!) – suddenly popped up a few hours after that.

And now I have even received emails regarding help with a new start up NGO for animals I am planning – people I even forgotten I tried to connect or contacted – that was how long time ago the contact was initiated.

Just like my tomato adventure.

Trust universe I assume some would say.

Or Let go and let God.

Hmm…can’t help but concluding that there must be some truth there.

How much I haven’t tried to pull off by myself…

Tiny light in the tunnel guiding me home.

336 signal to go.

Image courtesy of Suat Eman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Revise plan

Something does have to be done now.I have to live this life as I mean it…

So it says on my weekly to do/goal if I don’t reach certain goals.

I have now lived through a couple of partly horrible days when that occurred.

So revised action is required.

About 12 years ago I set out on a journey – that at the time was just a personal little issue – to be a single mother AND be none dependant on the government for benefits or anything else for that matter.

Little did I know that it would become a battle of a lifetime and a quest that from time to time spans from having the right to say or do certain things to big social or economic issues.

Personal freedom runs very deep with me. Not so much due to anyone trying to suppress me, but simply because it is an urge that is very strong and very deep. Like eating, sleep, creativity or sex – the right to be the truest version of oneself.

I used to go about as if this was about external permissions and regulations – being liberal; pro globalisation, pro minority groups, animal rights etc.

I now realized that the biggest with all of it is myself. I am the judge, the victim, the crusader and the rebel all at the same time.

I thought it was about me not feeling so lost in the world, just to wake up to a madness, that is so screwed it becomes about plain survival practically, emotionally, socially and financially.

Being an observer, a creative, a deeply connected person this is not going to be easy – but it the only way I have. Every day I don’t remember why I taken this path. Lead when it would be so much easier to follow. Maybe it is the notion that whatever has to happen has to happen fast – something has to be done right now. And maybe it isn’t just about me, but about all of us.

Something does have to be done now.

I have to live this life as I mean it…

338 signal to go. Finding my way.

Image courtesy of surasakiStock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net