40 years in the desert

I can’t help of wondering if Moses never had any doubts?..

Advertisements

I think that was what Moses did? Wandering around I assume until he found his promised land.

I can’t help of wondering if he never had any doubts? No one was ever upset with him? Wondering what he was doing? How did he handle that?

And the women what were they doing? Or thinking?

The persistence and the size of faith, that all must have required… so what are my comparably small little problems compared to all that?

Can I find the same strength as his to lead myself out of the suffering? This self-made prison our generation seem to have created around us.

Can I re-fine that set point in myself when I would wake up and get out of bed just for the fun of the day ahead of me? Re-connect with that joy and creativity?

Finding inner sparkle without sugar, caffeine, tobacco or whatever?

This is for me my real question – to trust in myself – in my faith in myself.

Like a small small light far away I can at least see it. No bonfire. But something small that is bright and shines. I know now my path is leading that way. That I eventually will emerge in it.

I can start healing by accepting myself. I don’t need to know anymore. I don’t need to control or protect or differentiate. Or maybe a little bit. The mother in me still wants to protect.

Maybe acceptance is protection? Having somebody’s back when they go out on the arena of life? Shielding anyone would be hindering them even going out there in the first place wouldn’t it?

OK, white flag to myself – both protection and tolerance includes some type separation between good and bad and puts myself in the middle being the ruler…undo.

Long day, but still here – 319 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Stoonn at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

MZ news

Hey – for more personal stuff – that I don’t post in publicplease feel free to join the email list – this also gives you pre-access to all my news, reports, productions and happy surprise gifts!

Washing it off

Have you ever felt betrayed, back-stabbed, cheated on, excluded or even bullied?

Have you ever felt betrayed, back-stabbed, cheated on, excluded or even bullied?

Today I think I managed to get my fair share of each – all in one go. Had to just stop the car and sit still and let it just rush through the system and then somehow slowly ebb away a bit.

When I collected myself again and turned the car on again to get out in traffic I silently ask myself in what sort of denial have I been living in? Was so I so desperate for approval? Belonging? Achievements?

It is like I have told myself what to feel rather than feeling it. What was expected of me.

Now I feel it. Like an instant pain you instantly want to withdraw from I just it still.

It is uncomfortable. It is painful. It is relieving in a backwards way.

I take time to feel and I take time to observe to the best I can.

I have found that I am very uncomfortable with other people’s unexpected expectations. They have ideas and plans I am suppose to fit in to, which I either never realized or I never actively took part in from the beginning.

Then they have these big dramatic behaviours and most often I haven’t seen it coming and again and again I am deeply confused or surprised. It has taken a while, but at least now – when I happen to do it myself – I can silently ask for some type of undoing and ask myself what is really going on?

When I manage to hold on and stay in my Observer position I can see that maybe I attracted this person – or his or hers views on something – into my life when I was in a fundamentally different place. As with my intentions, maybe I need to give myself a break here and let certain people ache out to really ensure whatever has to be learned is learned?

Today I didn’t look away. Nor did I dwell. I looked. Looked again. And looked at myself. And back again. There was really betrayal. Real back stabbing. Real bullying. But I didn’t have to let it define me. Or let it put me on an emotional dependency spree. Just let it fall to the ground as I move forward.

Wash it off.

The evening I spend in the ocean waves looking up at the sky. Trust, trust, trust I tell myself as I let them carry my up and down with the streams. I breathe. I float. I am doing it.

A little bit drained, but I go to bed with a cleaned soul tonight.

335 signals to go. Slowly but surely.

Resistance

It talks they say.

I try to listen.

Sometimes I wish to just scream “ I’m just tired ok!”…

It talks they say.

I try to listen.

Sometimes I wish to just scream “ I’m just tired ok!”.

I need to sort out business, my life, prepare rehearsals, finish a book script, do fund raising for one of my projects, build a new network in a new industry, study and do tons of research, sort my mother’s affairs, manage animals and kids, be the taxi driver, take care of myself – did I say that already? – no? – there you go…

I used to think that if it was something I resisted and I did it anyway – despite feeling u-n-c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e – that would be good. And that things I resisted where I plainly avoided them would make me b-a-d.

I am not so sure anymore.

Doing something that you really resist, as in breaking new grounds or compounding something, can be next to addictive. Keeping you on a high – for too long.

Things I avoid that makes me feel really bad has taught me at least two things. One is that feeling that bad as I do/did is simply a sign of guilt over something, that I have to ask myself really deeply if I could have controlled? Most of the time that wasn’t the case. Things just are sometimes. Good intentions and all I also have to surrender and maybe this is what it is teaching me?

The other thing is – more importantly – when someone tries to guilt ride me and I go on that trip with them, eventually I risk that it becomes detrimental. So I have to resist. I have to keep distance and not take things to heart. Because my heart really does takes to it.

I wish I could say ”I’m sorry, but if I get involved and personally invested I will have a heart attack”…

I tried twice and both ended in me being accused of even worse. So no point.

Often I am just quiet. I am there and I think that would make whoever feel that I attend their issue, but no. They talk themselves into the most fascinated conclusions taking my lines too.

So I burn. I burn from energy of the fear, the unfairness, the hurt, the guilt I take in from others. So unless I have had the time to protect myself beforehand I now simply don’t interact.

So maybe it isn’t resistance, but self-care. And when I do this I can keep the distance to see if this all comes from other things. Unknowingly I triggered something? But that is ok.

By keeping myself emotionally clean I can see their innocence. Even my own.

Things can be un-done.

So resistance is after all good. It tells me where I am emotionally vulnerable, over engaged or not letting something go when it is passed my mental due date.

344 signals to go.