Rootless

For the first time in my life I no longer have to run away to be able to cope – I can run towards something instead. It is a shift…

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For a few days I couldn’t ground myself to write. Rather than punishing myself I try to reflect;

If I am careless with my routines – especially those grounding me and caring for myself – then I am easier swept away by other’s agendas and influence.

In a situation where you restart beyond zero – the vulnerability is genuinely on the outside. The pain from what seems irrelevant small issues goes right through and there is no protection. And feelings are energy. And afterwards it happens I feel like a wet spot on the ground, desperately trying to rise rather than vanishing down, through the earth, into another world down under.

As a child my references for security was places and not people. My mother had a house, which she mismanaged so much I had to live with my grandmother. We kept the house as a summer and weekend house. It was my whole world. Maybe because it was where I could flee from violence and harsh words in to the world of the nature and the animals. I know those forests like my own pocket.

Eventually my mother let someone else sell it. Someone bought it for a bargain price and burned it down…Every time I do a vision board or something similar there is always a house there. A house where people can come and go, but I am always at home there. With my children and my animals.

For the first time in my life I no longer have to run away to be able to cope – I can run towards something instead. It is a shift that I can literally feel through my whole system – not fully established yet, but on its way – I am rootless-ly flying through my own universe like a pulled up plant looking for a place to settle.

Without my parents I suddenly look for my own culture again. The language, the songs, the views and the smells. Is there a home in me I can not deny no matter how far I travelled? Re-connecting.

It is uncomfortable, but I can’t hurry it to be over.

It is uncomfortable, but I can’t go back.

It is uncomfortable, but I can’t stop it.

I am in the air – on my way home…

321 signals to go.

How are you surviving today?

The dark disguised in bright shiny colours blinding us…

On this quest to find myself my home within, I am more and more often coming across and ponder on the dark side.

The dark disguised in bright shiny colours blinding us with its promises.

In my culture it used to be symbolised by fancy sexy women with long hair, that when you could see their backs, it was like rutten trees with big holes and white worms crawling around predicting the walking of death.

So – I am exploring the backside of truth and of vulnerability, creativity, passion – when it has gone haywire.

My first stop is numbness.

According to statistics we have never shut down and tried to numb ourselves so much ever before. It is food, medication, drugs, debt, gambling, internet, sex etc etc – and etc. Long list. Very long list.

So long it makes me wonder – taken everyone at any moment is saying or doing what they think is best for that very specific moment – and we run away – collectively – to this extent – it must mean:

a) we are not so insensitive as we think of each other nor about ourselves?

b) how we live and how we relate to each other and our biological environment must be considerably off target?

Maybe we are all just trying to survive and when we run out of tools we just go back to something, which we for whatever reason references as comfort, something we think we have control over.

There is also proven, that for each generation we have become more and more sensitive. Our biological senses are overworked and indirectly saying the no we can’t get ourselves to say out loud.

Many children, when kicking back, are judged horribly and given all sorts of acronyms. Maybe it is the other way around?

Is it our bodies, with increased heart diseases, all sorts of cancers, allergies, over sensitivity – screaming the best it can?

We have all run enough now. We simply can’t take another step any more. We have to deal with ourselves in another way.

No flee. No freeze. No fight.Now what?

With this I go to bed tonight.

323 signals to go. Good night.

Image courtesy to Feelart at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

 

Confidence – anyone?

Self-reliability. Trust in one-self. Firm trust it even says in the dictionary.

How does it feel? I definitely knows what it does NOT feels like. Questioning self is not one of the answers.

Today it is about acknowledgement and confidence…

As a classical co-dependent child I obviously belong to those who on a bad day filter my life through the glasses of validation.

How does this come across? What will they say? What will she say? What does he think? Why is whoever saying whatever?

Question mark. Question mark. Question mark.

I know to increase my daily acknowledgements from 5-10, but it is the confidence stuff that really strikes home. Makes me a little bit uncomfortable. Breathing a bit deeper. Swallowing before really hearing the question.

Self-reliability. Trust in one-self. Firm trust it even says in the dictionary.

How does it feel? I definitely knows what it does NOT feels like. Questioning self is not one of the answers. Excitement and vulnerability at the same time it suggests.

I used to drown my self in work not having to go home. All sorts of work. Paid work. Volunteer work. Studies. Start-ups. My CV was like 5 people’s by the time I was 35. That was the side I identified myself with and what I was strong in.

Admittedly things can change, but I can’t help to wonder if more than not, if it wasn’t the opposite. I fought every possible insecurity with an outer action. Titles, salaries, benefits, rewards, media coverage etc. All measurable and “good”.

Inner confidence.

Yes, what is that really? A certainty who you are would be my answer and guess. The uncompromised version. The messy, not always so correct, answers.

The big question is obviously what would be the actions and the outcomes if you had it? It you were totally uncompromised 100% true to yourself?

For years the scene in Runaway bride where Julia Roberts is trying to figure out which type of eggs she actually likes, was a complete home-run with me.

By now I know many things I don’t like – yet to discover the depth of some of the new things I have found out.

How do you exercise you confidence? (yes it has an expiry date if you don’t watch it πŸ˜‰ Please share it would be great to hear.

327 signals to go.