To truly change

Some say change is a linyard line from one place to another.

Others say it is a line – but – with loops on the way – sort of like recycling off path and then back on track.

Or it could be a constant forth and back hoping the forward movement are the once adding up on the plus side.

To me…

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Some say change is a linyard line from one place to another.

Others say it is a line –  but – with loops on the way – sort of like recycling off path and then back on track.

Or it could be a constant forth and back hoping the forward movement are the once adding up on the plus side.

To me it has come to be about presence and awareness. Removing layer by layer.

It used to feel like ok now I got it and then I almost got disappointed when it turned out to be yet another layer to work through. Now I have learned to enjoy that – if it can be this much better what could yet another layer not be?

It has also become about moving emotional goal posts – reference points – as well as boundaries. I am not sure, but I must have been a bit of a doormat. I proud myself in being kind, but somewhere between naive and worried not to be liked I became the super diplomat, never really saying really no to anything.

So I practice that now. How much did I exercise my confidence this day and how many nos did I say to anything? Maybe this is what can happen when something goes wrong for one reason or the other and then you take on the guilt role and do that way longer than everybody else? You lose track of where you start and finish and all that other stuff begins?

Tonight I grateful – I am right here – a long road ahead and another longer road behind, but right here is fine – it is my own road and that is all that counts.

325 signals  to go.

Image courtesy to Pixtawan at www.freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

Meltdowns and clarity

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

To not be the play along girl any more has a price.

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were  – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

In two seconds I could conclude everything I had really worried about has or is happening right now – being judged, not belong, chaos financially being between 2 systems and handling 1 dead person’s, loose face, loose a relationship – don’t think I need to go on. You got the picture.

So technically I can just F*** it and do it any way.

For the first time in my life I told someone I felt bullied.

Despite the complete shock of the other person, who clearly just thought they could do what they were doing without thinking, it was a big step for myself – both being vulnerable – but also to actually call something with its correct word.

Where I grew up you could not raise your voice, object or in any other way misbehave. Thinking about it now I was askling myself how that rule was put into play since I never heard or saw anyone object. Was that also bullying? Some type of silent threats or simply ignoring you to the point you didn’t exist unless you changed your attitude? I mean where is the borderline where you no longer correct or lead something, but is actually breaking something down? The classical tactics to undermine women without saying it loud.

I know both my grandma and my mother had regrets about this, but still they never broke the pattern. When I started school at 7 I had already stress symptoms on both teeth and eyes. At 23 my hair went white from one day to another. I remember the doctor telling me to spend more time in the stables…being a rider herself that was the best she could come up with.

My mother clearly suffered from this. My grandma I don’t know. I was so outside myself by the time I lived with her I must have been like a drilled puppy. My mother raged and threw porcelain, while I ducked and cried in silence.

So today I had my meltdown and my clarity. I still hate meltdowns though. Even when the air is cleared and things are fine. It is like loving new rain, but be scared of the thunder – you can’t have one without the other.

Maybe that’s it – as rodeo rider’s count their falling offs, the sales person his nos until the yes – maybe I should count my meltdowns and celebrate them as representing that I am one step closer to my new reality?

Today I will sleep well.

328 signals to go home.

When worry invites itself to the party

I keep forgetting how fragile this process is. The minute my logical mind kicks into gear I think I have all solutions and answers figured out – and then someone tries to push me and I stand my ground (I think) and then, when the moment has passed and I am alone again I sink together and cry…

I keep forgetting how fragile this process is. The minute my logical mind kicks into gear I think I have all solutions and answers figured out – and then someone tries to push me and I stand my ground (I think) and then, when the moment has passed and I am alone again I sink together and cry.

All emotions on the outside. Painfully.

And then all other worry invites itself to the party and it becomes really a crying party.

I have a history with one of my children, which includes really nasty custody battles. Yes -more than one and for many many years. But that is a separate story.

Those incidents created an experience of that being a parent was always up for questioning and even when the years have passed from time to time it still can catch me off guard.

So it is one of my big things I worry about when I am on my knees.

I have had social workers stating I was such a role model doing my work and being able to work internationally and have my kids with me – to those claiming it was not normal for a mother to earn like a man – then I could not be a good woman… Of course I rushed over the first and memorized the later…

So whatever I do is never really satisfying everybody somehow.

I never really understood when people say they do what is best for the children when they clearly suffer – what child is not feeling that? – nor have I understood why we do this and then pretend it is all good and honky dory and never talk about it?

It rips your heart out. Just the idea sometimes. To be apart from your child when it is not out of choice.

Being a single parent, with sole custody and without extended family – this is a constant worry of mine. What of something happens to me? Where would she go? Who would tell her about me? Would she be financially secure? Am I ever enough? Have I done enough? Prepared enough?

Creating memories,  teach her tools to manage life and never go to bed without knowing how much I love her – those are my daily to dos with her – walks and talks.

We are ok.

Again I have to trust Universe doing its part and me doing mine…

We are coming home. 333 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net